***Taking Responsibility

I was in an automobile wreck the other day. It was quite serious, a freak accident involving defective brakes on my car. Specifically, the brake rotor on my right front wheel spontaneously sheared in half. This resulted in my right front wheel locking up and forcing my car into the curb. When the tire hit the curb the front axle separated and the wheel ended up in a ninety-degree angle to its proper position. It cost over $5500.00 to repair. The wreck happened while I was traveling at approximately 35 mph. Ten minutes earlier I had been traveling at 75 mph down an interstate.
I was told when I bought the vehicle from Carmax three months earlier that the car had new brakes. The mechanic who looked at the damage informed me that not only were the brakes not new, they had to be defective. I went to the Carmax dealership that sold me the automobile and explained what had happened and asked them to take responsibility for the damages. They laughed and told me that in no way were they responsible and I would have to sue them. I told them that was the wrong answer. Having been a trial lawyer for many years, my mind was busily drafting the 30 page complaint that could be filed against them for fraud, deception, unfair business practices, infliction of emotional and physical distress and personal injury (oh yeah, $3000 for dental work caused by the accident).
After I calmed down, I meditated on the lessons to be learned from this event. I reminded myself that I created this experience for my own enlightenment, as is true of all of life’s events. I quickly realized that all of these events were examples, on some level, of how I needed to take complete responsibility for my actions. When I did so, calmness and peace returned. I was not a victim, life was not unfair, I did not need to teach Carmax a lesson.
I went even deeper and examined what subconscious program might be playing out here. I thought of the BP Gulf of Mexico oil disaster that was a symbol of how the negative emotions and memories buried deep in our subconscious can erupt and cause havoc with our lives. As I sat with these thoughts, I realized that somewhere deep in my consciousness I was feeling guilty that this incident was my fault. I had no reason to think or feel guilty, however, there it was. My habitual thinking was that even though the accident could not have been avoided, I could not do anything right. I was a big mistake.
I had no idea where these thoughts were coming from, so I stayed with them and kept asking myself what was the root of these thoughts. Finally I realized that somewhere in my subconscious mind I had the belief that I was a mistake. I started remembering how my father occasionally told the story that as my mother was being admitted into labor, she had someone tell my father to go out and buy another set of everything, she was having twins. This was a great surprise to my father and he often has commented on how expensive it was to raise twins.
I was the younger twin. Hearing these stories over and over again my ego/mind came to the conclusion that I was not supposed to be here. Coupled with my parents’ comments over the years that I was not expected, I developed a hidden subconscious belief that I was a mistake. All of my negative and addictive behavior was instantly explained and I had revelation after revelation about the events in my life. I was subconsciously trying to prove that I was either a mistake or that I wasn’t a mistake. It explained all of the self-destructive behavior, self-criticism and low esteem over the years.
I can be grateful for the accident and all of the events leading up to it. Without it I would not have had the enlightenment that flowed from it. It is amazing what you can learn when you sit, be quiet and watch the thoughts drifting though the mind like clouds. I know that I caused the accident for the opportunity to learn what I learned. My higher self (guardian angel), as always, made sure that it happened when I was going a slow enough rate of speed to not be seriously hurt.
This is an example of how enlightenment begins to dawn. When we can crack the ego, and focus on deeper issues, even an automobile wreck can allow great wisdom to flow. I compare my ego to the brakes on the automobile. When it cracked, there was a great explosion and consequences. By going into my heart, and not my prideful ego, I could discover the real reason for this event. It took what it took to get me to examine the real forces at play.
I know that my parents wanted me and were pleased to have twins. It was my ego that concluded that I was a mistake. It did so to perpetuate its hold on my consciousness. This is how the ego runs our lives. Not only was I not aware of how this subconscious belief had run my life, it took a rather dramatic incident to bring it to life. Such is my life. This was a big one, and I am grateful for it. I won’t be buying any more cars from Carmax, though.