The 9 Things You Can Do To Resolve Conflicts and Stop Arguments

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. – Rumi

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them. – Tom Crum

Healthy communication is gratifying but often challenging, especially during conflicts. Communicating differences can lead to escalating, never-ending arguments or can deepen your connection to each other. Practicing the following guidelines can make the biggest difference in the quality of your relationship.

1. Make a request to talk.
Don’t assume your partner is ready to talk just because you are. Ask your partner if he or she is willing to listen, "I have something I'd like to discuss with you; is now a good time?"

The listener's response is either, “Yes, it's a good time,” or "No, not now but I can talk at 2 pm. Would that work for you?" Negotiate a time that works for both of you.

2. Remember Lover
Take a moment to recall the person you're speaking to is someone you love; they’re not the enemy. Remember you’re on the same “team.” The reason you're speaking is to make things better.

Ask yourself these two questions:
• What is my intention here; what's my goal?
• Is what I'm about to say going to lead me closer or further away from my goal?

If you aren't clear that what you're about to say will help achieve your desired outcome, don’t bring it up. Wait until you’re clear about the issue you want to solve. Ask yourself, “What’s my real intention in bringing this issue up?”

It may take some reflection to clarify the underlying issue within a conflict. Be patient with yourself and your partner; take the time to discover the underlying need within the issue.

3. One issue at a time.
Once you’re clear on what you want, stay focused on that particular issue until it’s resolved or you hit an impasse.
Avoid bringing up a new subject or countering with another issue with your partner. Stay away from talking over each other, which only leads to raising your voice and yelling. One person speaks at a time. Don’t interrupt each other. Take turns.

4. Start with the "facts"
When sharing about an issue or something your partner did, start with the specific behaviors. Ask yourself, is what I'm about to describe something a video camera would record?” If not, go back to observable behaviors.

Avoid you always or you never statements.
For example: “ You always leave the dishes in the sink. You’re such a slob," vs. "You left the dishes in the sink this morning..."

5. Speaking from the “I”
Share your thoughts and feelings using "I" statements. For example "I feel hurt” vs. “You hurt me.” Speaking from the ”I” helps you avoid the proverbial who’s “right” argument.

6. Own your interpretations, meanings and feelings without blame.
When you share your interpretations, thoughts, and feelings, remember that they're yours and not necessarily the same as your partners.

Most arguments would never happen if we would simply accept that our point of view is valid for us but not necessarily shared by our partner.

When you take full responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, you can head off escalating into an argument about whose interpretation is the "right" one. No one has the objective truth in a relationship.

The challenge here is to own the meaning of the event as your meaning, rather tha
THE meaning.

Some don’ts:
• Don't attribute motives, feelings or thoughts to your partner.
• Don't insist you're right about what happened. If what happened is at issue, say it's how you remember it.
• Don't criticize the person's worth. Separate the person from the behavior. Be hard on the issues, soft on the person

7. If you start to argue take a time out.
If you become angry or blaming, take a few breaths and calm yourself down. If you can’t calm down, STOP and take a time out. Make an agreement with your spouse to stop any conversation when either one of you feels the need. Whoever requests the time out is responsible to resume the conversation as soon as they are able. If you continue to pursue the conversation after your partner has requested a time out, it will almost never end well. So honor each other’s Time Out.

Remember your goal is to make things better. Arguing and blaming are counterproductive to any conflict resolution and will not make things better.

8. Say what you want
Make a request. Requesting is one of the most important relationship skills there is. Ask for something that will help you feel better and move you back to connection. Make it something that is clear and an achievable behavior.

Requesting is not complaining, demanding, threatening, criticizing, or focusing on the negative past. Shift from the unchangeable negative past to an achievable positive future -- say what you want, not what you don't want.

Negotiate a win-win solution. Be creative and look for a solution that works for both of you.

Once you ask for what you want let go of the outcome. Acknowledge your partner for whatever positive response they are able to give you, even if it’s not everything you wanted.

9. Practice, Practice, Practice!
The only way to become masterful at communication is to learn the skills and practice. There’s no better place to learn effective conflict resolutions skills than in your intimate relationship.

The reward is immeasurable, getting more of what you want and a deeper loving connection.

We all make mistakes along the way, but instead of giving up, learn from them and continue to practice.

If after practicing these skills you continue to argue or you’re not getting what you want in your relationship, get some help from a marriage counselor or relationship coach.