The Comma: Still Learning (and Loving?) the Language

So why am I having to scour the Web-verse to see if ‘my big puffy bed’ needs a comma?

I’ve been a ‘professional’ writer since my first real job in 1990. A master’s degree in Literature (Or is it a Master’s Degree in Literature?). A writing tutor in grad school. I’m just finishing a 120,000-word novel. I should know this, right?

It’s just a simple double adjective (not a simple, double adjective) in the same vein as:

A long hard road

The thin red line

Her jagged little pill

Our ugly vinyl house

I’m not a huge fan of the comma anyway … ever since that embarrassing comma splice incident in fourth grade. Though I do, ironically, fall into the final-comma-in-a-series camp; e.g., ‘I’ll have two eggs, toast, grits, and extra bacon.’ I like that last comma, sue me.

So what's the answer here? Is it 'my big puffy bed' or 'my big, puffy bed'? Let’s look at the rules (or conventions, if you prefer).

The coordinate adjectives comma rule tells me to say ‘yes’ to the comma if I can answer ‘yes’ to two questions.

Question 1: Does the sentence still make sense if I put an ‘and’ between the adjectives? -- My big AND puffy bed. (Yes? Sounds a little weird, but it’s not illogical.)

Question 2: Can the adjectives be swapped? -- My puffy, big bed. (Yes? Doesn’t roll right off the tongue, but it could work.)

So, a comma then. There. It’s settled. Big ... comma pause ... puffy bed.

But…. This kinda feels like a no comma sentence to me. I prefer an uncluttered bed. In and out. Simple and easy.

How about the cumulative adjectives comma rule? It says I can leave out the comma if some specific adjectives appear in some specific order. A simple and easy solution here, perhaps? Let’s check the adjectives and order (from first to last):

Opinion: stupid, good-looking, funny

Size: teensy, average-sized, gargantua

Age: newborn, adolescent, elderly

Shape: oval, flat, cylindrical

Color: yellow, purplish, burlap-brow

Origin: Martian, western, East Indian

Material: iron, plastic, paper-mache

So … He is a stupid, good-looking, funny accountant. (Three opinion adjectives, in the same class, get two commas)

He is a stupid teensy Martian accountant. (Opinion, size, and origin adjectives, in that order, get no commas)

Get it? Sort of?

Okay. Back to my big puffy bed.

‘Big’ is clearly a size. (It is a big bed … a mammoth bed … a super-huge, gargantuan bed.) But what is ‘puffy’? A shape? What if I said ‘my big billowy bed’ or ‘ my big cloud-like bed’ or 'my big lemon merangue pie-ish bed'? These adjectives might suggest a shape, but are they really shapes? If not, would it be ‘my big, puffy bed’ but ‘my big white bedroom’? (One tuck, one no tuck?)

I'll say ... close enough. No tuck. No comma! If I’m wrong, the truth is too elusive for me, again. We’ll call it artistic license if anyone balks. You can break the rules when you know the rules, I always say ... or at least when you know the general perceived spirit of the rules.

I guess I could have taken up math if I wanted more certainty in my life.

Now to the next sentence, and a couple big round white aspirins.