The Fear

In my first marriage I was afraid of the man's words.
He told me that I was stupid, which I am not; he told me no one else would want me, which was a lie. He got in my face and screamed at me for everything. I was afraid that every hateful thing he'd ever said about me was true.
I was afraid that I could not raise and support a child on my own because I was so worthless. I was afraid that my son would grow up to be like his dad, and that is what put my feet in motion.
In my second marriage I was fearful of the man.
I was afraid I couldn't take care of my son alone. I was afraid that if I left he'd find me. I was afraid of being hurt, physically, I was afraid to come home from work at night. I never knew who I'd meet at the door: Dr. Jekyll, or Mr. Hyde. I was afraid of what others would think of me. I was even afraid of what others would think of him, if you can believe that.
After coming home to an empty house, devoid of any telephones, to find a knife stuck in the counter, next to an empty beer can, I feared for my life.
To this day, I am grateful that he never hurt my son, or hurt me in my son's presence.
Both men used my son to control me.
During the reign of Prince Charming, I was not allowed to spend time with my mother or brother. I was accused of sleeping with everyone I worked with, including the women, and I had to account for every thing I did and every place I went.
When it came to money, he didn't even know how to write a check, so I paid for everything. When I went to the grocery store, he would take the receipt and subtract everything he didn't use: tampons, diet soda, etc.. and give me a third of the new balance. He'd give me third of the rent, utilities and the rest was up to me. I guess he thought that my son should have to pay his own way, since he'd only give me a third.
Eventually I realized that if I was already paying for 2/3 of everything not related to my child and 100% of the things that did relate to him that I could pay for it all myself, which helped me to kick him out.
Once we had an argument in a restaurant, and he got up and left me there. I had a friend come get me and take me home. When I got home I was accused of having sex with her in her car. (I am not now, nor have I ever been bi-sexual; although he wanted me to have sex with a female co-worker of his. He wanted to watch. Too bad for him; it never happened.)
He was addicted to pornography and forced me to watch it with him. When I tried to refuse he'd freak out.
Finally, since my friends could not deal with him, my list of friends dwindled to two people. My friends had become afraid of him too. I felt powerless. I did not have control of my own life, but I would take it back.
The first time I left Prince Charming, I was so afraid of being found that I had my car painted a different color. I changed the tires from the wide ones I had to regular tires so my car couldn't be identified. I even changed my license plate.
None of it worked; he found me anyway. He followed me home from work.I went back because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.