The Mindful Couple: Quirks

The difficulty with quirks in a partner is that, by definition, they are peculiar and idiosyncratic and not commonly shared. This means you are dealing with a behavior, belief, or other trait you may not understand or relate to in any way, which tends to make acceptance of your partner all the more challenging. Shared values, ideas, and behaviors are easy to accept because they don’t require anything from you. Accepting something seemingly foreign requires more effort and greater openness. Many people make the mistake of thinking they need to understand in order to accept. In fact, it is not necessary to understand something to welcome it. Receiving favorably what one does not understand is, in fact, a generous, love-affirming act.

Perhaps toilet paper can help clarify this concept. Andrew (the co-author's husband) made a point of telling Darrah (the co-author) he preferred the toilet paper roll be placed so the paper rolled away from the wall, over the top of the roll. Darrah didn’t share this particular concern, which made it easier to forget to place the roll according to his preference. If truth be told, sometimes she remembered, but because she didn’t really see what difference it made, she put the roll in (according to Andrew) upside down. Very little came of this: no fight, no requests for explanations, and so on. But Darrah eventually realized that even though Andrew’s toilet paper quirk didn’t make much sense to her, it was just as easy to put the roll in with the paper coming over the top. So that is what she did. In this case, she accepted his toilet paper preference without having to comprehend it.

However, Andrew had another toilet paper quirk that drew a different response. He had an apparent antipathy to replacing the toilet paper roll altogether. That is, he would get another roll and put it beside the toilet, but would never place it in the holder. Darrah discovered that if she didn’t put the roll in, it would sit there indefinitely—on the floor, on the bathtub, on the back of the toilet, anywhere but in the holder. This didn’t make sense to her, and in light of her generous decision to honor Andrew’s roll placement preference, it seemed particularly unfair. She then faced a choice: she could continue to feel she was right about this or she could decide to place the roll in the holder and think about something else. Which choice do you think she should make? And why?

PRACTICE ACCEPTING QUIRKS

Count your own quirks. Make a list of everything you do that others have told you are a bit odd or unusual. What quirks do you have that others don’t know about?

List a few of your partner’s quirks. For each quirk, come up with at least three benefits. Have fun with this. If you are going to come up with at least three benefits, you may need to get creative. For example, here are some of the benefits that come from Andrew not putting the toilet paper in the holder:

• Andrew thereby provides Darrah with the opportunity to contribute to their relationship by putting the toilet paper in the holder, and she gets to feel self-righteous while doing so.

• The fact that the toilet paper roll is free from its holder means Darrah can unroll it from the bottom whenever she wants to.

• With the time he saves not messing with the toilet paper roll and holder, Andrew can do other important things.

• Bonus: free from its holder, the roll can be more easily grabbed in the event of an earthquake.nnnn~ Excerpt from THE MINDFUL COUPLE: How Acceptance and Mindfulness Can Lead You to the Love You Want