The Myths of Forgiveness

It seems like every self-help book, seminar, and workshop addresses the concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness has become the “buzz word” of the new millennium. Forgiveness cannot be emphasized enough, especially when it comes to optimal healing. Unfortunately, most people—patients and physicians included—have a distorted and inaccurate idea of what forgiveness truly is. Webster’s Dictionary defines forgiveness as “1) to excuse for a fault or offense; pardon. 2) to renounce anger or resentment against.”

The definition of forgiveness is not enough; we must apply the principles of forgiveness. Before we can apply forgiveness to our everyday lives, we must have an understanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not. There are many myths surrounding forgiveness that should be addressed and eliminated before true forgiveness can be incorporated in one’s life.

Myth #1: To truly forgive one has to forget. Unless you suffered a traumatic brain injury or was the victim at an early age, there is a high probability that you will remember a particular trauma or event. It is virtually impossible to forget a broken heart, cheating spouse, or abusive parent. The experience is forever recorded within your subconscious and your energy field. The event itself does not define who you are. It is merely an experience on your journey.

You can still remember an unpleasant situation or person and still forgive. You will probably not forget the experience, but you can put it behind you as you move forward in life. But the memory of the experience is still there. If the memory of the unpleasant person or experience causes discomfort, grief, or anger, then there is still a “charge” to you energy field and you have not completely forgiven the person, situation or experience. When you can honestly recall the unpleasant experience or person and there is no “tugging-of-your heartstrings,” the emotional charge is gone. Then you are in a state of forgiveness.

Myth #2: When you forgive a person, you must trust them! This is one of the biggest misconceptions of forgiveness. If trust has been broken, it takes time to rebuild and earn trust. Trust cannot be forced on someone. Trust has to be earned. If trust is repeatedly broken, then the intelligent thing to do is never trust them again. Once again, you can forgive someone. But, trust is completely different.

Myth #3: You must respect the person(s) that you have forgiven. Again, respect and forgiveness are two separate entities. Respect, like trust, is earned; it cannot be forced upon or demanded. If someone is not worthy of your respect then he or she is not worthy of respect (even if they are family).

Myth #4: When you forgive someone, you must totally and completely accept them. When you forgive someone or something, the forgiveness is for yourself. You choose to take your power back so that someone or something no longer controls your life. This is where healthy boundaries are important. If a friend or loved one has hurt or betrayed you and you have forgiven him or her, you can accept them for who they are (to an extent). But, if they do not earn your trust and respect and you know their integrity is lacking, move forward in life and seek people that unconditionally love and uplift you. You can accept people for who they are even if they lack respect, honor, trust, and integrity. But, it is up to you to realize that you’re not going to allow that type of person into your life. This can be particularly difficult with close family members. We can still love them. But, if they lack honor, integrity, and they continue to bring you down, move on. Life is too short.

When you have anger, hate, or hurt regarding a specific person or situation, then the person or situation is running your life. Holding anger, hate, and resentment towards someone is the equivalent of you drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.