The Shame of Low Self-Esteem

Hidden in private spaces all over North America women are crying softly to themselves. They are fierce women who have risen above many challenges to succeed in this world. They courageously lead corporations, trade stocks, build empires and create sweeping changes in third world countries. They are gentle women who long ago surrendered to circumstances to sustain harmony and security. They have proudly taken boring jobs, given up their education, stood quietly behind partners and waited for their children to grow up. They are all the same women regardless of occupation or situation and their silent tears reflect their common pain.

Why are they crying? Because something has happened to remind them once again that in spite of all they have agreed to and all they have accomplished, they are still not enough. Time and time again, an overwhelming realization strikes into their heart with a recurring and crippling belief that in some way they don’t measure up and they never will. What follows is their withdrawal into self-loathing and sometimes patterns of self-abuse – over and under eating; substance abuse; workaholism; emotionally or physically abusive relationships; immoral or unethical behaviours and many other desperate attempts to cope.

How can this be? At a time when opportunity was never more available; when freedom was never more at hand; when women are asking for … and getting … more of what they want? How is it that in spite of the outpouring of help available there are still so many women who can be brought to their knees with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness? And why is it that women are the ones who most consistently sell themselves short when it comes to self-love. One would think that living in this country where we enjoy a better lifestyle than women almost anywhere else in the world we would have little to complain about. If only it were just about what we “have” and not about “who we are.”

What I know for sure is that many of us rely on exterior signals to gauge our value. We’ve been told not to do it and yet the force of gravity draws us towards compelling examples of how we should be. The images and messages are inescapable.

Do you look young? Are you in the right relationship? What’s your BMI? Is your home beautifully staged? Are you growing your own vegetables? Have you saved enough for retirement? Are you eating healthy and getting enough exercise? Is your skin smooth with no wrinkles or spots? Do you subscribe to the best magazines? Have you volunteered on an overseas mission or given generously to every charity? Does your family gather around your great big harvest table for a loving, harmonious gathering amidst the stunning holiday decorations hand made in your spare time?

Early in life we look to our parents, siblings and other immediate family for validation. It’s natural – they are all right in front of us. In many cases people don’t realize the impact of what they say and do. A child can be forever imprinted with a self-defeating belief when all that might have been intended was a slight reprimand or the anguished sigh of a tired caregiver. A parent can be completely surprised to learn that words spoken in an impulsive rant can leave a deep scar on a child’s heart. Many women admit, almost with awkward embarrassment, that they are still seeing themselves through the eyes of a parent who might even have long ago passed on. The beliefs are held securely and contribute to the idea of who we are in the world.

So what on earth does negative childhood programming have to do with adult women? Especially adult women who know better? The answer may be as diverse as the women who carry the stigma of believing that in some way they are truly inadequate. In particular, I’m really struck by how mid-life seems to suddenly open up old wounds to reveal the state of our self-esteem. While in the past we may have managed to suppress our thoughts and control our self-destructive attitudes, along comes the middle years and like an old worn out blanket frayed threads begin to fall apart.

It seems that as women age they find themselves taking stock of where they are. Under the microscope of casual exploration they are discovering that they have in fact helped to build the neighbourhood of low self-esteem and fill it up with people who will make it thrive. What they came to believe about themselves from those first impressions has played a powerful role in influencing the decisions they have made.

If ever we needed confirmation that we have mishandled our lives it comes with the realization that we are where we are because of the choices we have made – and the ones we have avoided making. We have played a key role and ultimately bear the burden of responsibility for our low self-esteem. That’s just about as disabling a thought as any we have faced and the shame of having low self-esteem is now exaggerated by knowing our complicity.

So what’s to be done about this low self-esteem crisis among us women? There’s no shortage of books, tapes, workshops and lectures. It seems to me that resources are not the problem. There’s plenty of advice on building self-esteem and it all helps in some way.

What I suspect really needs to happen is that women just have to start esteeming themselves. Caroline Myss says, “We build self-esteem by honouring our commitments to ourselves.” So, why not? What might happen if we all did just that? What if we treated ourselves with respect and upheld every promise we made to ourselves? What would be different if we became attached to our own good opinion of ourselves? How would we release the cloak of shame that insidiously infiltrates otherwise powerful lives?

Perhaps this seems too simplistic and maybe even a bit narcissistic. Or maybe it just sounds like one more thing we have to do. Whatever the case may be, the word wouldn’t be “self-esteem” if there wasn’t some personal effort required. And maybe, just maybe there is real magic in being our own best friend.