The True Art of Forgivenesss

Forgiveness is the most misunderstood and difficult “act” for so many people because forgiveness “creates” change and most would rather “suffer in quiet desperation” than find the courage to face the “unknown” and experience change.
Let me, first, “bring to light” the common misconception of forgiveness. Most individuals are under the impression that, in order to, truly, forgive someone, you must take into account what they have been through and, despite their bad behavior or actions, if you continue to love and care for them, you are exemplifying forgiveness. This is not forgiveness; this is enabling someone to display and continue bad behavior and immaturity because of their own, personal, “trials and tribulations” or “misfortunes”. Do you really believe you can forgive someone and move forward with yourself, and that person, and maintain an honest, healthy and loving relationship…especially if the person does not acknowledge, accept and grow beyond their negative behavior and actions…of course not! Resentment and anger will still be there and, most likely, get worse because you will believe it is wrong for you to continue to feel this way about this person once you have decided to forgive them. This will, inevitably, cause you to “harbor bitter feelings” that will keep you stuck and can “destroy” you as a person. Yes, it is true…it happens all the time and most people do not even realize it!
When you “practice” this idea of forgiveness, you no longer continue to “grow into your own individual”. You end up “carrying the heavy weight” of the pain, you feel from the person’s bad behavior and actions. Eventually, this pain goes so deep that, subconsciously, you will begin to repeat and convey that negativity through your own actions and behavior…you, actually, become the person who, originally, caused you so much pain! In fact, all of your relationships will suffer because you will, “create” the same “scenario” as that of your relationship with the person who hurt you. It is a common but unhealthy and negative “cycle” that many repeat throughout their lives.
What, then, is forgiveness…and how do you, truly, forgive someone. Well, first, it starts within you and finding the courage to be honest about your feelings surrounding this person and your relationship with them. You must fully acknowledge, to yourself that someone has hurt you and you need to forgive this person, in order to, let go of the pain and move on. Obviously, when people seek forgiveness and are sincere and humble, it is not very difficult to find forgiveness for them. Unfortunately, most times, not only, does a person not seek forgiveness, but they are, also, in denial over what they have done that would warrant it, in the first place. Sometimes you are looking to forgive someone who has passed on and you are unable to let go of the hurt you felt from this person’s past actions towards you. This is when understanding and utilizing the “true art of forgiveness” will enable you to “unburden” yourself and make positive changes in your life.
Once you begin to, honestly, “open up”, to yourself, that another has hurt you (and may still be doing it), there are a “range of emotions” that you will experience. This is, actually, the “process” of forgiveness. Incidentally, it is the, exact, same “process” we go through when a loved one has died. There are five “stages” or “phases” of emotions…denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. You will experience these in any order and in varying degrees of intensity, depending on how “deeply rooted” your pain and hurt are. The best thing you can do for yourself as you go through this “process” is to remain “detached” and let any feelings and thoughts “wash” over you (this may be a good time to “journal” so that you can “release” the negative emotions and thoughts that arise as you heal). I think it is the same “process” as grieving because it becomes a “death” of your “old” self…in other words, forgiveness “creates” a transformation within you and your life.
There is another important factor to consider with forgiveness. Forgiving someone does not mean you must keep that person a part of your life…in fact, if you are unable to, freely, communicate your thoughts and feelings with this person and you do not change and grow together, the best thing you can do for yourself is forgive them, let them go and move on. This does not mean you can not love them anymore, it just means that you make a conscious decision to eliminate them from any major part of your life or decide to let go of them altogether. This may be difficult and seem impossible when it is a close loved one or a very dear friend; however, if you “hang on” because of fears and/or obligations, the relationship will “fall back” into a negative “cycle”. The only time it may be worth it to forgive someone and continue the relationship is if the person learns from his or her mistakes to grow within himself/herself and your relationship with them begins to improve. Remember: it is your life and whomever you decide to spend it with, is entirely up to you. Obviously, if you want to make positive life changes that enable you to grow and find fulfillment, you should spend time with people who are doing the same for themselves.
Forgiveness is not always easy to do and it can be a slow and gradual progression. Sometimes you may “revisit” the “process” many times throughout your relationship with someone (like a parent with their children). Anytime you practice the “true art of forgiveness”, you will experience positive changes, liberate yourself and become a stronger more confident person…enabling all of your relationships to become deeper, healthier and more loving.