Three Tips for Responding, Not Reacting

What I find at first with clients is that they are often living by default -reacting to events, rather than responding to them. It's no wonder that they feel so helpless - buffeted by a torrent of emotions. It's so easy to get sucked in by a tide of feelings. Your girlfriend rings you up for a whinge about her boss, and you join in the clamour with indignant clucking; your daughter shares she has just been dumped and you feel your heart break in a million pieces as you see her wilting with despair; your colleague insults you yet again and you join in a natter at his audacity - clearly a sign of his own insecurity. It feels good to be at the sharp end of the emotional range. Feelings are what makes this human game a lush and divine experience. So what's the problem? The problems is that what you feel can get in the way of what you want. If you are chronically stressed, or habitually negative about a topic, or routinely grumbly - then what you are presenting is the vibration of lack - lack of what you want. And that's exactly how you don't get what you want. You've got tell a different story about your experience. You've got to choose your response. This is how it works. An incident happens, you can either go for a triggered reaction, or choose a new story, and therefore a new feeling. In real time, this is what it might look like: I saw my oncologist (cancer doctor) on Friday. I shared our experiences last year with IVF: complications with scar tissue from the surgery, experimental procedures to fix it, a cancer scare that proved ok, and now the need for genetic counseling as we are both carriers of cystic fibrosis. My doctor looked at me and said, "Maybe you are not meant to have children." I've had that thought before. But I was not prepared to be pulled down that track again - of imagining a life without kids, of feeling how unfair it was, of feeling frustrated, disappointed, and full of despair. I looked at him and said, "Don't say that. We still have options." I decided to point my canoe in a completely different direction - to a thought that felt more downstream than the hard upstream paddling of getting upset. I could have told the 'story' of infertility, fate, and everything always being so hard for me... But this time, I chose a new story. My new story goes something like this: "I have not yet had kids. Even though we've had some hurdles along the way, everything is working out for the best. I have much to appreciate in my life. Kids would not make me any more happy or fulfilled - if they come along, they would simply be adding to my joy, not creating it. I am so fortunate and blessed - to be alive after a cancer experience, to be in full health, to be in love with my husband, to live in Australia, to do work that is fulfilling and adding to the lives of others, for the birds that wake us, to the beautiful blue sky of Australia and the deep richness of the sea. I am content." It's not always easy to tell a new story. The old one is played so often and known so well it feels like a well-worn sweater - comfortable and cozy. Telling a new story can sometimes feel a little exposed - like standing on a windy corner without enough clothes. The more you tell it, however, the more comfortable and familiar it becomes - a new sweater that keeps you warmer. Here are my three tips to responding rather than reacting, so you can create a new story: 1. Make your feelings your primary concern. Notice how you are feeling in any given moment, and shift your focus/attention/perspective/surroundings until you get a sense of relief and a better feeling. 2. Start to tell new stories. Notice when you tell stories about yourself, your past, events that affect you, and be deliberate in re-telling them so they empower you. The boss that 'always belittles me' becomes the boss that 'challenges me to be assertive and stand up for myself'; I haven't been 'cursed with tough medical challenges', I've been 'the gracious recipient of the amazing advancements in medicine"; cancer doesn't 'suck and needs to be fought', cancer is 'a sobering teacher that calls me to live fully each day.' 3. Have your pity party, and then end it quickly. A good bitch session is sometimes just what the doctor ordered! Have a good and luscious wallow to purge the venom, and then get on with feeling good again. And now for your call to action - what story do you need to start telling differently? Step out on the edge and start telling it from a fresh, empowered perspective. Give it a go!