***Top Tips Why You Should Get Along With Your Mate's Siblings***

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D, MSS at www.lovevictory.com
Reasons Why Getting Along with siblings is So Crucial
The Most Common Problems of Having Siblings-in-laws
What Can You Do if You Have Siblings-in-law Problems?

Why are the siblings so important in approving your choice of mate? It’s easy to sweat out meeting the parents. Just think about the movie “Meet the Parents.” Few future in-laws are as quirky as these, but the movie skimmed over the siblings’ reactions. Parents and their attitudes toward future sons- and daughters-in-laws will always be important, but siblings have been rising in significance.

Reasons Why Getting Along with Siblings is So Crucial

1. Parental divorce makes siblings more important.
Today’s men and women of Generations X and Y come from families with the highest rates of divorce. This split in the family fabric often leaves siblings “banding together” against the emotional upheavals of divorce. These siblings can confide in each other without having to “go through the whole story” of what happened in the family. They rely on each other for support and clarification. It’s far easier to turn to a sibling and say, “Dad’s like that sometimes,” rather than have to start from scratch and explain everything to a friend. In families of divorce, often there is a child who becomes a “designated parent.” This sibling’s opinions can sometimes be more important than the parent. Children have too many conflicting feelings about parents and divorce. Having a trusted, reliable sibling as parent by-passes some of the confusing feelings toward the parent—even if the sibling is bossier or harder than the parents. Siblings soon become the first line of defense when relationship problems develop.

2. Siblings are forever.
Friendships come and go. Siblings usually stay forever. They know you now, they knew you then. When siblings are close, they can look out for each other in ways that parents can’t. For example, it’s far easier for an adult child to share their intimate relationship problems with a sibling instead of a parent. Siblings, regardless of ages, often stay in touch more frequently. They seem more like co-equals and may not activate the complexity of feelings toward parents—especially if the parents divorced. Siblings expect each other to be in their lives longer than parents, so siblings may invest more in these relationships. We all have needs to attach, belong and be known—and siblings are the perfect people to provide these needs. It’s no wonder that siblings’ impressions count! Sometimes, however, having future sisters-and brothers-in-law can create problems.

The Most Common Problems of Having Siblings-in-laws

1. The new spouse feels “left out” of activities, conversations and rituals.
2. You may not like them. n 3. You don’t know what to do when that sibling makes does things that truly irritate, such as leave a mess, criticizes or shows up late or drunk.

What Can You Do if you Have Siblings-in-law Problems?

1. Accept that your siblings-in-law most likely will not end up as your next best friend. Aim instead at getting along. You don’t have to like someone to be kind.

2. Reign in your jealousy over your spouse’s connection to this sibling. They existed long before you. If their parents have been divorced, they siblings might have formed an even stronger bond.

3. Arrange to spend time with your new sibling-in-law alone. Go to lunch or an activity they like. Take out your pen and paper and write down their birthdates and likes and don’t-likes.

4. Choose your battles. Don’t get upset over the small stuff. n
5. However, if larger issues like being drunk, borrowing money and not returning it or being rude to you occur, ask your spouse ways to handle the issue. Spend your time on getting solution-focused and NOT on re-hashing the problem.

6. Take your time to get the “lay of the land” before you start complaining.

7. Don’t fight your partner’s sibling and parenting problems for them. You will end up disrespecting your mate. Instead, ask your partner how he or she feels about a particular event and whether they would like your help. Unsolicited advice has a way of backfiring. n