Trying Too Hard

One of the big surprises that happened when I conducted a loneliness intervention program was that lonely people weren’t just your shy, withdrawn, wallflower type, but that lonely people can also be quite outgoing, extroverted, and friendly. Usually the shy, introverted ones feel like the outgoing, extroverted ones would never had felt lonely, when in fact they do experience a great deal of loneliness. What I hear most often is that while your extroverted lonely folks are really good at establishing relationships (“I have no problem meeting new people” for example), they have problems keeping relationships going. At some point they feel like they are the ones doing all of the heavy-lifting in the relationships – they are the ones that have to make all of the phone calls, initiate contact, send that first email, text message, etc. The underlying thought is that if they do not make the effort the relationship will eventually collapse. This thought probably reflects the belief (probably erroneous) that people are not as interested in them as they think they are.

So, what’s going on here?

Sometimes we do things in our relationships that we aren’t even aware that we are doing that are affecting the relationship. One of the those things is TRYING TOO HARD to make a relationship work. So, while you may feel like you’re the one that is initiating all of the contact, the fact of the matter may be that you’re not giving the other person enough time to initiate contact as well cause you keep doing it first. I often tell these lonely folks, you need to step back and not try so hard. One of the first reactions is, if I step back and not try as hard, the relationship will fall down. My response is, if it falls down then it was not really a relationship to begin with, it was a one-sided interaction. But if you really have a relationship with the other person, they will eventually reach out to you or initiate contact. Giving someone breathing room to decide when the next interaction should be fosters growth of the relationship and the other person does not end up feeling stifled.

The next time you in a relationship and feel like you're the one doing all of the heavy-lifting, take a break, step back, and allow the other person to interact with you. It's a great test to see just how interested the other person is and also a way of giving them the space they need to contribute to the relationship.