What is GUILT?

Guilt is not a primary emotion, like anger, joy, sadness... But it is one of the most intense & often-felt emotions by ACoAs. It is a familiar companion of negative self-talk & to actions we believe to be bad, but may not be.
Guilt is connected to self-hate: since our default position is that we’re intrinsically bad, anything & everything that goes wrong for us is OUR FAULT. This leads to perfectionism - the obsession about being soooo good, without flaws - that we’ll finally be loved, accepted, understood... BY WHOM? Of course - our family --- & then everyone else in the whole world !

(This self-hate assumption is never supposed to be questioned & is very hard to give up, even when we ‘know better’ - because it makes us feel less vulnerable, a little more powerful! After all, if “it’s my fault, then it’s in my control - so I can fix it, change something in me or in the other person - to make it all better”!)
SO:
1. Guilt is an emotion - generated by â©
2. breaking a law or rule - of â©
3. society, government, religion, community, school or family.
4. What category of rules do we most often break, when we’re feeling guilty? FAMILT RULES! (Expl: “If you don’t like it you have to stay!”)
Therefore - guilt is caused by any thought or action which disobeys the rules we internalized as kids. Guilt is about what we DO.

IMPORTANT to remember:
• we don’t have to consciously agree with the rule - but the WIC has to believe it applies to it, no matter how much we may hate it or intellectually know better.
• most ACoAs don’t even realize we’ve absorbed those toxic rules & are
automatically obeying them (pg. 22 vs pg. 65) - but we can tell by our life patterns. They’re things we do over & over, automatically. ⶠIf the family rules were healthy, we would be doing positive, self-esteeming things, most of the time. ⶠIf the rules are unhealthy, we act on them in ways which hurt ourselves and others, on a regular basis.

EXAMPLES: We feel guilty for
• not making our parents, friends, lovers, children... happy
• making anyone angry at us, no matter what the reason
• not being able to stop someone from drinking, drugging, or doing other self-destructive things
• standing up for our rights, needs, tastes... (we think it’s selfish & that we’re being confrontational)
• getting sick, being tired, not wanting to do something...
• taking time for ourselves, needing down time, taking a vacation
• not knowing something or taking a long time to learn things (we have so many ‘shoulds’)
• having need, desires, our own opinions, likes & dislikes
• not being smarter, more sociable, more successful, more outgoing...

5. PURPOSE of Guilt: ⶠTo make us go back to obeying the law or rule we broke.
Being able to feel guilt is a natural & positive thing. It’s built into our psyche, like the ability to love. People who are devoid of guilt are called sociopaths / psychopaths. The issue for most ACoAs is that we feel guilty about things that are not actually bad - like having needs, or emotions !

6. RESULTs of breaking Family Rules: ⧠Internal Backlash, in the form of - yes, guilt - but also: getting sick, feeling depressed, heightened anxiety, panic attacks, being irritable... ⧠Exte
al Backlash - possibly from family, if you’re in contact with them, since they want you to ‘stick to the plan’ & not abandon them by being different. Also from friends, bosses, mates, even children - for the same reason - they’re used to you the ‘old’ way & don’t want to make any changes in themselves to accommodate our growth!
OK, so WHAT IF we
• identify the TOXIC family rules we’ve internalized
• decide that obeying those rules actually prevents our recovery process
• that in order to heal & grow, we have to stop obeying those rules
--------What should we expect?

7. HEALTH: Yes, at the very least, the painful emotion of guilt. But: ⶠThis time - the guilt is a SIGNAL that we’re doing something good for ourselves. Since we don’t want to return to obeying the toxic rules, we need to THINK differently about our actions, & say to ourselves:
“This emotion is actually a signal that I’m on the right track - when I’m doing the opposite of what I learned as a child, I’m doing something healthy by NOT obeying a harmful rule, so YEAH!”

ⶠIf we continue to dis-obey toxic rules, the guilt will eventually diminish & perhaps even go away completely. So, it’s imperative that we tolerate this kind of guilt and other kinds of unpleasant reactions, in the short term, & continue thinking & acting in self-esteeming / self-empowering ways, even in the face of opposition. ⶠBecause this process is stressful, we need the right kinds of supportive people in our life, to encourage, correct confusing thoughts, reinforce our resolve & laud our progress. A long as the support is positive, it can come from anywhere - clergy, healthy family members, friends, therapy, books, internet, 12-step meetings, rehab for co-dependence, spiritual disciplines... ⶠWhen we repeat new, healthy actions, we form new pathways in the brain which then make it easier & more natural to be comfortable & successful in all aspects of our lives.

Q: Now, when you feel guilty, do you know which family rule you’re breaking?