What Is This Thing Called Love?

Since Valentine’s day is only a few days away I would like to share some thoughts about the largest experience in life *love* and about relationships – the relationship we have with ourselves as well as the relationship we have with others.

There is no doubt that love is not an easy subject to deal with. Obviously a lot of people have trouble with it, judging by the number of divorces.

Love is something we all need, maybe even crave, and it’s been known to make sick people thrive and the lack of love has caused people to die. It is something we are all continually looking for, and unfortunately there is no class in love where we can learn the basics. It’s just assumed that it comes to us by, or through, some mysterious life force.

I went to Webster to get a definition of love and found a column 2” wide and 8” long and some words meant to describe love, like –nn * Passionate affectionn * Friendlinessn * Sexual desiren * Strong liking or desire for somethingn * Tende
essn * Warm personal attachmentn * Devotionn * A beloved personn * And . . . In tennis a score of zero

But, even with those descriptive words, if I were to say to a man, “I love you”, he might have a tendency to question, “what does she mean by that?” Does “she love my body, my mind? Does she love me at this moment, or does she mean forever? Does she love me like a friend, or does she feel a strong passion for me? If I say those same words to a woman, she is going to perceive them in a totally different way.

Most people have a tendency to think of love in romantic terms. We are given the idea that true love “just happens” and usually at first sight. We don’t have to work at love – love requires no teacher – you just fall in love – and hope it will last forever.

We may think we are in love with our husband, wife, or significant other. We think we love our parents and our children . . . But do we really? How do we know? How can we be sure? There is no standard we can judge it by, for love is a different experience for each of us. We want them to love us back, in a certain way (unconditionally), but they can only love us in the way that they have learned through past experience, for the bottom line is . . . Love is a learned phenomenon and we are slow learners.

Most of us continue to behave as though love is not learned, but simply lying dormant waiting for some mystical age of awareness to develop it into full bloom. Many of us wait for this age forever. We spend our lives trying to find love, trying to live in it, and dying without ever truly discovering it.

We know nothing of love when we are born. We are totally helpless, ignorant, dependent and vulnerable. As we grow, each family member plays a role in teaching us something of love. And in turn, each family member can teach only what he knows of love. Unfortunately for many of us, we were taught that love is selfish, destructive and painful, and that is our model of love.

As we begin to move away from the family, we are at the mercy of our teachers and our environment. As we move through our school years, nowhere are we exposed to love as a learned phenomenon. It’s a trial and error process and most of us never stop making errors.

So, most of us never really learn to love or experience it as it was meant to be. We play at love. We imitate lovers, and we treat love as a game. Is it any wonder so many of us are dying of loneliness, feel anxious and unfulfilled, even in seemingly close relationships, and are always looking elsewhere for that “something more” we feel is missing.

There is perhaps no word more misused than love, for love is many things, perhaps too many things to be definitive about, though we know it is not a “thing” in the sense that it cannot be bought or sold, weighed or measured. True Love can only be freely given without any expectation of return, and since love is not a thing, it is not lost when given or shared with another. You can offer your love completely to hundreds of people and still retain the same love you had originally, perhaps even more.

Love is open arms. With open arms you allow love to come and go as it wills freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your arms around love you’ll find you are left only holding yourself, for it cannot be captured or held. Love is trusting, accepting and believing without guarantee.

There are not kinds of love, love is love . . . There are only degrees of love. . . And you are either growing in love, or love is dying.

You will never hear someone say “my love is complete and I don’t need any more.” You must never be satisfied with your ability to love. No matter where you are, there is always more you can experience.

Love and relationships don’t come easy, but if you take a little extra time to develop your own self-love and then learn how to communicate with others, you will never be alone.

One last thought . . .Love is like a mirror. When you love another you become his mirror and he becomes yours . . .and reflecting each other’s love you see infinity.

Check back for future articles. I will be giving you information on how to develop your self-love and how to improve communication in your relationships.