What’s Complaining Really About?

What I have noticed is that many of us confuse being responsible with feeling accountable. How do we do that? Let’s begin with clarifying the distinction between both qualities.

As a giving person, you may describe yourself as responsible. You follow through with your commitments. You take care of all in your life for which you feel responsible, be it children, clients, employees, a company, aging parents, a sibling or a friend in need. You are an honest, good citizen who follows the rules in your community, such as paying taxes, stopping at red lights, throwing garbage into containers instead of littering, and the list goes on. Yet, even so, responsible people aren’t always accountable.

When we’re accountable, we feel very much in charge of our lives, at least the aspects in which we do have control, such as our attitudes and actions. We stand in the belief that we alone make our own choices, without giving our power away to anyone else. We know that whatever happens in life, we have the ability to move forward by taking action, walking on or surrendering.

There is no victim when we’re accountable. Blame doesn’t live in this perspective. Yes, we can be responsible, too. And…we listen to ourselves. We stay connected to ourselves. We live in integrity – our words, actions, intuition, feelings, body-knowing and thoughts align so that we are on track with what is singularly right for us. It doesn’t mean that we don’t consider anyone else. We do. And then we decide our course of action based on our own unique values. We honour our right to create our own lives and happiness.

Accountability may seem like a simple concept; however, there are many challenges to deeply embrace this feeling in a consistent way. The reality is that those close to us may not always like our choices so courage can be called forth in us. It also takes a commitment of time and energy to slow down and listen to our own inner authority. The important piece to keep in mind is that there are many payoffs for our efforts.

Our vitality increases because we are operating from the place of self-value and self-worth. We feel happy and healthy because everything lines up deep inside of us, and we know that that feeling is truly priceless. Our sense of well-being and wholeness increases. We’re awake and alive.

When I first begin coaching a new client, I often hear complaints – about a mate or the kids or the boss or certain circumstances. Sometimes a client lives by a rule that says: “Oh, therefore, I can’t….” or “I’m not supposed to…” or “I better not….” to avoid the disapproval of someone who is important to them. They feel resentful because they listen to someone else’s wants, needs and values other than their own or give their power away to a life circumstance.

All of us have within us a victim/dark side that can get lazy and have us hide out. Blaming others or our circumstances for what’s happening to us can deplete our life force. Making a choice to contribute or compromise because we know it feels right to us is different than thinking that we ‘have to…or else”.

Changing our way of operating is a process that requires commitment and support. Family and long-held friends likely operate by the same code as the one that you want to leave behind you. What I’ve seen is that those clients who come my way have already made the commitment to claim their life – they’re just not sure how to fully do it as there is much complexity and depth to embracing this perspective at a heart level. They want a witness, someone to support and guide them, someone who will hold the focus for what’s next for them.

To fully make the shift you want to make, these are some of the questions you’ll need to ask yourself:

What would be different if you felt 100%, ‘in the bones’, accountable for your life? What support do you need to make this shift to deeply honour your life and let go of the resentment, anger and constraints that have you living according to an exte
al authority or circumstance? What will keep you in those positive states of power, joy, peace and love?