What’s Love Got To Do With It? Not Everything!

What’s Love Got To Do With It? Not Everything!

Not many of us aren’t familiar with Tina Turner’s immortal words questioning, “What’s love got to do with it?” Her notion that risking love may ultimately risk a broken heart still rings true today. However, when I consider the question, “What’s love got to do with it,” I can honestly say, not everything. But don’t get me wrong. I would never say that true love is not the goal many of us seek in a long-term and successful relationship. But love is not everything.

While love might be the overall “glue” that cements a long-term loving relationship, it is not the most important factor. Love is a culmination of many factors and intricate relationship dimensions. When ranked, however, against twelve other defined relationship dimensions, or Points of Interconnection, love was not ranked the most important characteristic. Trust ranks higher in importance than even principal love for one another, according to this recent study. In essence, if you can’t be trusted, you rarely get to pass “Go” and collect your $200 in triumph. In this study of over 100 successfully married couples from across the country who have been married greater than twenty five years, 89% of respondents ranked trust as being extremely important to the longevity of their relationship, versus 87% of the couples who rated primary love for one another as extremely important.

The headline? If you aren’t trustworthy, the odds are against you in being able to cultivate any of the other critical dimensions and building blocks of long-term love – the Points of Interconnection. Essentially, trust becomes the first gate to the predictable behavior that fosters love, friendship, respect, and the other qualities that engender enduring successful relationships. What type of enduring love are we talking about? Love and happiness that grew for an average of 40 years together -- with the longest married couple celebrating their 70th anniversary. These are the true experts in their field.

In my research I sought to find the answer to the everlasting question, “What makes up long-term successful love, and what are its defining characteristics? Could it be broken up into basic and elemental building blocks that we could all define and understand?” Fortunately, I didn’t have to take a trip to the land of the Stepford Wives or the Magic Kingdom. The couples I interviewed in this study came from all walks of life, and yes, with all of the experiences that regular individuals undergo. Some contemplated separation and divorce. Some had children that almost tore their relationship apart. Some went through too much work, others not enough; some had comfortable financial lives, and there were some that struggled so much that their economic viability was in serious doubt. But the common thread between these couples was the support they gave one another through thick and thin. They are, according to most accounts, each other’s best friends.

Their respect for one another was keen, appreciating each other’s character, personality, values, accomplishments, and what they stood for. As a dimension, respect was next ranked as extremely important, rated at 72%. It is no surprise to find that the next dimension ranked after principal love is friendship, rated 65% in extreme importance. “Soul mates” was often utilized as a surrogate term for their friendship and kinship with one another.

And how did these dimensions evolve? Communication was a key building block. But it wasn’t just talking to, or at, one another. A two-way, completed loop exchange of ideas had to take place. If they don’t have “the ability to communicate well, they will communicate often,” according to a couple living in Tierra Verde, FL, who are somewhat youngsters, by comparison to other participants, being married for 27 years. Too many times misinterpretations or simple misunderstandings can reach tsunami proportions if the communication is not coded correctly. “Communication is the lifeblood of the relationship,” they assured. This theme is so common in successful marriages that communication should be just like the simple instructions on the shampoo bottle - repeat, and than repeat again, if necessary, in order to obtain desired results.

You see, when you have trust, respect for one another, and you are each other’s best friends, and can talk about anything, chances are you can begin to build the foundation of love that has long-term potential. The other Points of Interconnection are essential to the development of this love as well.

Success does not come easy. Marital longevity does not come without sacrifice, compromise, trials and tribulations. But the alte
ative, being the easier route to take in our current cultural norms of entitlement and lack of patience, for just about anything, will leave one lonely and empty in the long run.

So “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” Not everything – but just about.

This study has identified thirteen key building blocks or Points of Interconnection. Excerpted from “Married for 5000 Years,” author Joseph Cuenco.
www.marriedfor5000years.com.