When Generations Collide

We're quickly coming into an age when multiple generations are experiencing the midlife transition simultaneously. Perhaps we're already at that point. From my research, it's becoming clear that a far broader range of age groups self-identify as 'middle-aged': people from their mid-thirties into their mid-sixties. People are living longer with much higher expectations for a much greater quality of life. Is it stretching it to believe that 'sixty is the new forty'? Thus, for perhaps the first time in human history, individuals from two (or even more) generations can find themselves in midlife crisis simultaneously. The possibility opens up whole new vistas for conflict and coping.

Whether or not we approve, the farther we progress into maturity, the greater the risks we face of serious challenges to our quality of life. Of course, we all ardently desire to maintain our vitality and independence until the end. Yet, whether from poor planning and preparation or the haunting spectre of the unforeseen, a significant number of us will face (or are currently facing) assuming the role of support and/or caregiver to our parents and extended family. Your success in dealing with these issues will be directly proportional to your (and your family's) ability to confront and disarm certain social taboos.

I was incredibly fortunate. Both my parents lived into their mid-eighties. Both were active, employed, and fully insured until the end. Both were incredibly physically active and could easily have lasted another decade if not for the cancers that overcame them very quickly. Not everyone is, or will be, spared having to cope with chronic physical and mental deterioration in beloved family members, or the economic burdens associated with it. The more serious the deterioration, the more difficult the choices will be for both members of all the generations that will be involved. As I'm sure you've heard many times over, the midst of a crisis is the worst possible time to try to handle these decisions. Similarly, denial, in all its various inca
ations, is the worst possible approach to handling risk.

What are the 'taboos' that succeed in throwing otherwise well-prepared and well-meaning people into a potentially catastrophic situation from which there's no escape? People are afraid of having the tough conversations that are absolutely essential for mitigating risk. We approach the prospect of these conversations with some very unhealthy and potentially very damaging attitudes. How do you feel about your privacy? Whose business is it to know the 'ins-and-outs' of your affairs? How do you view the responsibility for managing your life? Does your self-esteem depend on your rugged individualism? What's your attitude toward asking for help? How deeply do you trust the other members of your family? Are you willing to ask other family members some hard questions about their financial management and planning?

There are several huge taboos that have to be confronted: a) asking for help shows weakness of character; b) sharing personal information makes me vulnerable to abuse; c) sharing responsibility for decision-making will turn out badly for me. Before continuing, let me say that in dysfunctional families, some of this apparent paranoia may be justified. In these types of families, where honest communication has traditionally been lacking, other types of arrangements have to be made. Sadly, planning is even more critical in families where distrust is rampant, often with plenty of good reasons (for example, where alcohol or drug abuse is present).

To break through the taboos that can turn one generation into abusers and another into victims, you need to create a long-term atmosphere of open, honest, trusting communication. Remember, the midlife transition means undertaking a radical change of focus from without to within. It means thinking about yourself (and the other important people in your life) in new and different terms. It means establishing a basis of trust (an emotional 'bank account' in Stephen Covey's terms) on which deeper levels of communication can be built.

What do you need to talk about? First of all, you've got to tell each other what you need and what you wants and to be able to negotiate based on what each believes he or she is able to provide. You've got to be able to talk plainly about finances so that everybody is fully aware of everyone's strengths and weaknesses. There's no room for shame or guilt in this sharing: everyone's future quality of life may well depend on how well the dirty laundry gets aired. Plans need to be put in place (and documented wherever necessary) to ensure that weaknesses in the system (financial, medical, spiritual, etc.) have been adequately covered. Finally (and this is by far the most difficult and critical point), responsibility for one another's care has to be shared.

How many horror storied have you heard about people whose family members encountered a crisis only to find out that they were, in addition, faced with nasty surprises? How many times have you heard of people's long-term stubbornness and distrust coming back to haunt them later on when they were in real need? How determined are you that your story won't be added to any of these? If your determination is high, then now is the time to confront the taboos and to open up the conversation to a depth that you may not have ever reached before. Contingency planning is one aspect of midlife that deserves your immediate, full and active participation.