When You Should and Shouldn't Talk to Your Kids

My message to parents has always been that too much talking is one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make when disciplining their child. However, there is a place and time when talking is truly beneficial to the parent/child relationship. So how does a parent know when to talk and when not to?

Generally, the time when a rule is being enforced is a bad time. Why? Because this brief period of time is not a good learning moment for most kids. You are likely to be irritated with your child and chances are, she is mad at you too. She may at the same time feel anxious, guilty and defensive about what just happened.

Talking during this time produces two problems. First, talking at this point encourages arguing. There are lots of children who do not relish the idea of humiliating themselves by admitting that you are right while their behaviour was wrong. To save face, children may feel obligated to disagree with you.

Second, it’s very likely that all your ideas about your child are correct. But, even though your ideas are good, your child is not extremely open minded during discipline episodes. At that moment she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say and your attempts to explain only aggravate her more.

So, when should you talk about problems? You should explain something right away if a child’s problem is new, unusual or dangerous. For example your child decides to use the couch as a trampoline. This behaviour is new and unusual and you also feel it’s dangerous. You explain to your son that he can’t jump on the couch because he could hurt himself or the furniture. Using a new swear word or hitting someone else are also instances when you would explain to your child why he can’t do something. Remember though: Keep your explanations short and to the point.

Another time to talk is when time permits and you want to have a discussion about something. For example, if you yelled and would like to apologize later you could sit down with your child and ask him:
How did you feel when I said that to you? I’m very sorry because I know that the rule in our home is that we don’t yell. And so on...

Other questions for other circumstances might be:
• Why do you think I want you to do your homework?
• Why is it bad to push someone?
• Why does your teacher ask you to be quiet?

Questioning forces the child to think an issue through for himself rather than passively listening to a lecture.

Whether you decide, at any point, to explain or to question, keep in mind again that short and calm talking sessions are always better than long or angry lectures.
When a discipline or conflict is not involved, talk as much as you want. You can talk all day and night as long as everyone is having a good time! One of the greatest experiences of being a parent is to watch our children’s young minds think, grow, learn and change – it’s fascinating and beautiful to be a part of and to encourage that process...just not when disciplining.