Why Going No Contact With An Ex Will Doom Reconciliation

Going no contact is usually the last desperate attempt to resurrect a broken relationship. When nothing seems to make sense, and nothing we've worked for has achieved the desired results, cutting an ex out completely may seem like the only sane choice. At the point, what do we have to lose?

The premise is that if we starve an ex of our presence and affection that they will stop taking us for granted and finally get around to realizing what life without us means.

In short, it is a gamble. An all-in where we stand to lose everything because if we miscalculate, we can kiss our chances good-bye. More to the point, it is a gamble with the odds stacked against us, because it was played from a position of weakness.

What happens if your ex calls your bluff? What happens if instead of cracking under the pressure of the abject silence their resolve strengthens instead? What happens if no contact hastens their healing rather than hinders it? Because in most cases this is exactly what happens.

No contact can work in only two real ways. The first is when we've had enough of the anxiety associated with not knowing. Of receiving mixed messages and crumbs. In this case, going no contact for ourselves, not for reconciling, is a great way to clear our heads and begin to heal.

The second is if the breakup was markedly impulsive. In this scenario, the silence should bring about the objectivity necessary to drive positive change. But at the same time, unless the lines of communication are opened, and both partners are made to feel comfortable reaching out, this may never happen.

If reconciling is the goal, then no contact must end at some point. After all, if you can't talk you can't negotiate the foundations of a future together.

With this in mind, I propose a better idea: Limited contact. Propose a period of silence, so that you can both become more emotionally stable and see what life is like without each other. But agree on a date in the future where you will contact each other and discuss the results of this period of limited contact.

If this sounds too daunting then amend limited contact to be a little more open. Allow communication so long as it is not casual chit-chat. The ex should feel welcome to contact so long as they have something to say. This is important because it is often the insecurity war that arises at the end of a relationship, that timeless emotional power-struggle, that dooms the proceedings.

If the one saving grace of going no contact is the clarity it provides, limited contact should aim for the same effect, without the destructive effects it has on our sense of security. There's no reason for you to risk angering, or causing hurt to your ex, and doing so will not improve your chances, only potentially cause them to break the silence because of insecurity, not love! Most of the time, and not without a sense of irony, it is those who begin no contact who break the silence first, because they quickly realize it isn't a magic bullet that will magically restore lost feelings.

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