Darlene Lancer
J.D., L.M.F.T.,M.A., Life Coach
Free
Relationships & Codependency Expert
Darlene Lancer Quick Facts
- Main Areas
- Codependency, Relationships, Narcissism
- Best Sellers
- Codependency for Dummies
- Career Focus
- Marriage and Family Therapist. Life Coach, Author
I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships," Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing Your True Self and Codependency for Dummies. and the 7 ebooks, including 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps, "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human" - How to Beat Perfectionism, Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness, and How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits.
As an expert on narcissism, relationships, and codependency, I've worked with countless individuals and couples for more than 35 years to recover from trauma and codependency. See my websites, www.whatiscodependency.com and www.darlenelancer.com for FREE podcasts, meditations, and resources. Join my blog mailing list and to get a free report on 14 Steps for Letting Go.
I maintain a private practice in Santa Monica, and coach people internationally. See my website Services page for an appointment.
Darlene Lancer Audio & Video Programs
Breakup Recovery Seminar
https://bit.ly/2WbuBBI
How to Be Assertive
http://bit.ly/29OAWWW
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem
http://bit.ly/2I4yFIN
Self-Love Meditation
https://www.whatiscodependency.com/product/self-love-meditation/
Soul-Alignment-Meditation
https://www.whatiscodependency.com/product/self-love-meditation/
Darlene Lancer Books
Codependency for Dummies
http://amzn.to/1BBcrWO
10 Steps to Self- Esteem
http://bit.ly/2GwugvL
Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/books-on-codependency/#5
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You
https://amzn.to/37fueWd
Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships
https://buff.ly/3DZ6vNI
Articles by this expert
SelfGrowth articles and saved writing connected to this expert.
Article
Breaking the Cycle of Abandonment
If you're discontented in a relationship or go from one to another or even remain unhappily alone, you may be caught in a worsening cycle of abandonment.
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Article
What is Toxic Shame?
When shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It’s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that comes and goes, but when it's severe, it can be extremely painful. Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, causing a fight/flight/freeze reaction. We feel exposed and want to hide or react with rage, while feeling profoundly alienated from others and good parts of ourselves.
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Article
Loving a Borderline
Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. Being a borderline (having BPD) is no picnic, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time on the border between reality and psychosis. Your illness distorts your perceptions causing antagonistic behavior and making the world a perilous place. The pain and terror of abandonment and feeling unwanted can be so great that suicide feels like a better choice.
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Article
Can You Love Too Much?
Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we grew up in a troubled environment, we might confuse our pain with love. Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and hurt so much. By not having boundaries, we harm ourselves and the relationship.
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Article
How to Spot Manipulation
We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest conce in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive. Other times, it’s veiled hostility, and when abusive methods are used, the objective is merely power. You may not realize that you’re being unconsciously intimidated.
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Article
Do You Have a Codependent Attachment Style?
We’re wired for attachment – why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships.
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Love, Lust or Addiction?
Wonder whether you’re in love or in lust? Whether your obsession about someone is a sign of love or addiction? Whether you’re staying in a troubled relationship because you’re addicted or in love? It’s complicated, and lust and love and addiction don’t always exclude one another. Endless analyzing doesn’t help or change our feelings, because we’re often driven by forces outside our conscious awareness.
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Article
Living With an Addict – Alcoholic
Alcohol Living with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often becoming the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider; yet we’re unable to lean on our partner for comfort or support.
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Article
The Trap of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is an addiction, meaning we’re repeatedly unable to stop our perfectionist behaviors. Like other addictions, perfectionism varies in severity and can have negative consequences. It harms our self-esteem, make us unable to accept other people’s differences and their mistakes and flaws, and it can rob us of time with them. We require that things look or are done in a specific, “correct” way in accordance with our perfectionist standards. Some perfectionists attempt to perfect their bodies with repeated surgeries or pursue athleticism to the point of injury.
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Article
Obsessions and Love Addiction
When an obsession dominates us, it steals our will and saps all the pleasure out of life. We become numb to people and events, while our mind replays the same dialogue images, or words. In a conversation, we have little interest in what the other person is saying and soon talk about our obsession, oblivious to the impact on our listener.
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Article
Are you a People-Pleaser?
Everyone starts out in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. It’s in our DNA. Some of us figure out that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow someone else’s needs and feelings take precedence. This works for a while. It feels natural, and there’s less outer conflict, but our inner conflict grows. If we’d like to say no, we feel guilty, and we may feel resentful when we yes. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
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Article
Are you in Denial?
We’re all in denial. We’d barely get through the day if we worried that we or people we love could die today. Life is unpredictable, and denial helps us cope and focus on what we must in order to survive. On the other hand, denial harms us when it causes us to ignore problems for which there are solutions or deny feelings and needs that if dealt with would enhance our lives. Unfortunately, if you're in denial, you won't know it. Read on to learn how to recognize denial in its many forms. Types and Degrees of Denial
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310-458-0016