Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed. LCPC CADC

Signs of Sexual Addiction (Based upo Patrick Carnes work)

1. Loss of Control
• Out of control sexual behavior predominates
• The addict cannot control the extent, duration and regularity of his/her
sexual behavior
• Behavior excesses continue despite clear signs of danger (consequences)
-- Compulsive masturbation
-- Compulsive pornography use
-- Chronic affairs
-- Exhibitionism: intrusive "flaunting/showing"
-- Dangerous sexual practices, i.e., asphyxiation
-- Prostitution
-- Anonymous sex (at porn shops, bars, etc.)
-- Voyeurism: intrusive "watching"

2. Continuation Despite Consequences
• Social Consequences
-- Loss of marriage/primary relationship, friendships and social networks
-- Problematic relationships with spouse, family and/or significant others
• Emotional Consequences
-- Depression, anxiety, fear, etc.
-- Suicidal thoughts, plans and/or attempts (70% have thought about it)
• Physical Consequences
-- Injury due to frequency and type of behaviors
-- Sexually-transmitted diseases
-- Unwanted pregnancies or abortions
-- Sleep disturbances
• Legal Consequences
-- Arrests for sexual crimes (voyeurism, lewd conduct, etc.),
-- Loss of job, licensure, and/or professional status
-- Sexual harassment charges
-- Fines, legal fees, probation, or incarceration
-- Being on the Sexual Offender Database
• Financial Consequences
-- Costs of pornography, prostitutes, and phone sex can cause financial hardships
-- Loss of productivity, creativity and/or employment
-- Loss of career opportunities
-- Bankruptcy

3. Efforts to Stop
• Repeated specific attempts to the behavior, which fail
• Even after multiple life changing consequences, the sex addict cannot stop
-- Leads to further frustration, anger, shame and depression (fueling further
episodes of addictive behavior)

4. Loss of Time
• Significant amounts of time lost doing and/or recovering from the behavior

5. Inability to Fulfill Obligations
• The behavior interferes with work, school, family, and friends
• High-risk behavior is continued despite responsibilities and expectations
• A pattern of broken promises and failures

6. Ongoing Desire or Effort to Limit Sexual Behavior
• Repeated but futile attempts to change, limit or stop addictive behavior
• Breaking promises to change, limit or stop behavior
• Cross Addictions: substituting or transferring another addiction to help stop
or control the sexual cravings
-- Workaholism
-- Overeating
-- Alcohol abuse
-- Illegal and prescribed drug abuse
-- Compulsive gambling
-- Religious Addiction
-- Romance addiction

7. Preoccupation (Obsession about or because of behavior)
• Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy
• Elevated levels of arousal are used to cover up feelings
• Sex becomes a primary drug to numb, "medicate" and/or regulate emotions
• Sex is used to block out painful and unpleasant memories
• Euphoric Recall or "Sex in the head" maintains the fix whenever needed
-- Secretive mental images of past sexual acting out, which is used to sexually
act out again
-- Its like having a personal collection of pornography to be used at any time

8. Escalation
• Amounts of behavior increase because the current levels no longer satiate
cravings
-- Higher "dosages" are needed to get the same feeling/excitement.
-- Can cause self injury
• Masturbation to the point of injury
• Asphyxiation
-- Increased levels create victims

9. Severe mood changes around sexual activity
• Depression, anxiety, anger, and other mood/affective states can result from
repeated failures to stop or control the addictive behavior
• 70% described chronic feelings of depression
-- Other chronic mood or affective states include:
• Anxiety
• Guilt and shame
• Anger at self and others
• Hopelessness and despair (monitor suicidal ideations)
-- Mood changes may be "medicated" (hidden) through the use of other drugs or m
medications

10. Compulsive Behavior
• Sexual behavior that you want to stop but you can't
• A pattern of out of control behavior over time
• Sex becomes the organizing principal of daily life
• Everything revolves around it
-- On sexual obsessions and fantasizing
-- On planning next event
-- On sexual acting out (some spend 8 hours a night on the internet)
-- On covering up or making up for lost time
-- Addressing consequences of sexual behavior

11. Losses
• Losing, limiting, or sacrificing valued parts of life
-- Hobbies, family relationships, and work
-- Loss of important personal, social, occupational or recreational activities
-- Loss of friends and family (loss of relationships)
-- Loss of long-term relationships
-- Loss of talents, goals, and personal and professional aspirations

12. Withdrawal
• Stopping behavior causes considerable distress, anxiety, irritability, or
physical discomfort.
• Usually lasts for about 14 days, but can be as long as 10 weeks
-- Insomnia
-- Headaches and/or body aches
-- High or low sexual arousal and/or genital sensitivity
-- Increased appetite for food
-- Chills, sweats, shakes and/or nausea
-- Rapid heartbeat and/or shortness of breath
-- Intrusive dreams
-- High level of anxiety and irritability
-- Emotional lability (roller coaster feelings)
• Some sex addicts with a chemical dependency report that withdrawals are worse
for sex addiction than for drug/alcohol addictions

THE DANCE (CODEPENDENCY)

The "dance" of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with one partner who is a codependent and another partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). Codependents do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid significant relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They find partners who are experienced with their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped.

When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their "dance," unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependentgives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a "generous" but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for "next song," at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitte ess, sadness, andloneliness.

The codependent's fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependent's lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.

All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.

Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar…someone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.

No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid "unhealthy" partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.

My contact info:

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC

Clinical Care Consultants, P.C.

Buffalo Grove and Arlington Heights, IL

(847) 749-0514 ext 12

Rossr61@comcast.net

http://clinicalcareconsultants.com/

www.rossrosenbergtherapy.com

www.help4sexaddiction.com

Providing counseling / psychotherapy / marital therapy / couples therapy to communities including: Northern Illinois (IL), Cook County, Lake Country, Northern and Northwest Suburbs Including: Antioch, Arlington Heights, Banockburn, Barrington, Barrington Hills, Buffalo Grove, Crystal Lake, Deerfield, Deerpark, Des Plaines, Elk Grove, Evanston, Fox Lake, Fox River Grove, Glencoe, Glenview, Grays Lake, Gurnee, Hawthorn Woods, Highland Park, Hiighwood, Hoffman Estates, Inve ess, Island Lake, Itasca, Kenilworth, Kildeer, Lake Bluff, Lake Forrest, Lake Villa, Lake Villa, Lake Zurich, Lakemoor, Libertyville, Lincolnshire, Lindenhurst, Long Grove, McHenry, Morton Grove, Mount Prospect, Mundelein, Niles, North Barrington, Northbrook, Northfield, Palatine, Park Ridge, Rolling Meadows, Round Lake, Round Lake Beach, Schaumburg, Skokie, South Barrington, Streamwood, Vernon Hills, Volo, Wadsworth, Wauconda, Waukegan, Wheeling, Wilmette, Winnetka, Zion