5 Keys For Connection

In this world, we are either disconnected or connected as we relate to ourselves and others. When we are disconnected, we are separate from our true nature, our joy, feelings of love and trust. When we are connected, we are expressing who we really are without fear or judgment.

Take for example, a middle aged couple, married 24 years, who sought couples counseling. Anna (fictitious name) was unhappy with the lack of “connection” in her marriage. She complained that for years, they hardly talked about anything important or deeply personal. Her husband, Dave (fictitious name), didn’t celebrate her birthdays and anniversaries nor did he ask her out on dates. She described herself as slowly dying in this marriage. However, Dave described their relationship completely differently. He felt content and didn’t see the need to talk so much. He was happy to come home and felt that “just being there” with her was enough. What he disliked was her increased temper when she felt frustrated with him. He typically reacted to her anger by walking away and becoming even quieter.

This is a very common marital problem which exemplifies disconnection in a relationship. Anna desperately tries to connect and feel closer to her spouse. In her frustration, she often yells and is inpatient with Dave causing more disconnection. Dave is already a withdrawn type personality. So when she “attacks”, he withdraws even more – more disconnection. And that is the dance that divides so many couples. In a typical counseling session, she wants him to change and he’s waiting for her to change.

So how can Anna and Dave resolve this disconnected dance? There are many pieces to this puzzle which can resolve this issue. For the purpose of this article, I will offer 5 important elements in creating a connection that will relate to any relationship, (whether it is as a parent, partner, co-worker or friend).

FIVE ELEMENTS TO HELP CREATE A CONNECTED RELATIONSHIP:

1. Each person in the relationship is responsible for their part of the problem. To stop blaming and acknowledge your part is the first step and probably the most important one. You can’t make any significant change without being really honest with what you are doing or how you are affecting the other person.

2. You need to become conscious of how you feel in relation to the other person. Consciousness means to be present to how you feel when they are talking or behaving in a certain way. A great way to start the practice of consciousness is to be aware of how your body feels when you are in their presence. If Anna sees Dave in another room and feels her body tighten, that is a sign something is going on inside of her. It is important to pay attention to this signal.

3. Once you notice the signal in your body, stop and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Am I anxious, stressed, annoyed, or angry? Take some breaths to calm your nervous system before you speak. WARNING! If you don’t take a few moments, what will come out of your mouth will probably cause more disconnection?

4. State your feeling with an “I message”. In other words, state your feeling instead of blaming the other person. A blame message would sound like this: “You’re always so quiet when I come home. I can’t stand the silence! Why don’t you talk to me?” Notice how many negative messages there are which makes the receiver feel attacked. And they will most likely attack or hide even more in their shell. An “I message” would sound like this: “I really feel so alone when you don’t speak to me. I love when we talk and share our day. It makes me feel so much closer to you”. The reaction you will receive will be completely different as your partner (friend, child etc.) will feel respected and well regarded.

5. Welcome your partner when you come home. Welcoming is the act of saying I see you and you are important to me. Consciously set aside your work, stress and busyness and simply welcome your partner with a smile, a hug, or a warm embrace. This simple gesture of welcoming is more powerful that you think. It is making a very important statement to your partner that you matter and sets the tone for an increased loving connection the moment you walk through the door.

If you consciously practice these 5 important elements, you will begin move your relationship into a happier and more well connected existence