A Guide to Surviving Your Family

Most people can survive natural disasters medical conditions life events but for some of us we would rather cling to the Titanic and go down than spend Sunday lunch having our buttons pushed by our Mother. We would rather run with the bulls than confront our siblings over behaviors that annoy us. We would rather be in the eye of a hurricane than at the family dinner table trying not to look at the pink elephant sitting in the living room.

The Brady Bunch gave us an impossible goal to aspire too and given the secrets that have come out of the Brady closet lately it seems even the worlds most perfect family was as dysfunctional as anybody else’s they simply hid it under the veneer of pearly white smiles and ‘as long as no one sees it’s okay’ attitudes.

We want our families to be perfect we want to have what we assume everybody else has. We want neat hospital corner sandwiches in our lunchboxes growing up, we want family memories of happiness and laughter and when this doesn’t happen we will pretend that it will one day…..one day I will have the family I believe everyone else has.

We will ignore substance abuse physical abuse emotional abuse and become champions of the cause. God forbid if someone outside the family unit should state the obvious in this instance we can bring forth a thousand excuses reasons or we can divert and distract until the moment passes.

Some of us never let go of our expectations cannot let go of them for if we do we have to admit it out loud my family is not perfect. Some of us will play the Brady Bunch game make the appropriate remarks when asked by strangers how our Father is or what our brothers are doing. We will basically lie but the lie will be a continuation of the original one we told ourselves when the truth became too hard to bare.

Love is acceptance it is not ignorance. You do not honor others but not addressing how their behavior affects you.

Love begins with self and extends to others. You do not honor yourself by not standing in your truth.

It is hard when everyone is ignoring the pink elephant in the living room but you can see it there. It is hard because they will all try and convince you that it doesn’t exist. It is hard because family is meant to be your safe spot your port in a storm all the old movies have lines like “its okay son you can always depend on your family”. You do not want to rock the boat because you might be cast out made to walk the plank and you would rather live with your unhealthy dysfunctional family patterns than live alone.

So how does one survive their family?

Do not stand in ignorance stand in truth. It is not necessary to point out Uncle Johns drinking problem in the middle of thanks giving in fact it would be probably unwise. But it is necessary to point out to Uncle John in a moment when you know he is sober and able to listen how his behavior impacts upon you.
It is not necessary to vow never to ring your sister because she has not rung you in eight months. It is necessary to ring your sister and tell her how much you miss her in your life and how important it is to you that you both keep in contact. It is not necessary to tell your Mother you think she is weak and should leave her abusive husband. It is necessary to state how helpless it makes you feel when you witness such abuse.

Sometimes no matter what you do and say your family will stay exactly as they are for years to come. So what then?

Then it is you who has to sit down and face your own truths. Can you accept your family warts and all? Are you willing to state your boundaries of acceptable behavior and live by your words? Is it the fear of looking at your family and seeing yourself that keeps you from stepping into the truth? What is your definition of family? What is it you expect from yours? And what will you do when your expectations are not met? Are your expectations unrealistic?

Our family of origin is important our value systems our beliefs our way at looking at the world our skills to deal with the world all come from here. Survival begins with knowing all there is to know it begins with understanding the people your parents are not just as parents but as men and women the same with your siblings and relatives. If you went to the end of the book and read the last chapter you would have a very limited idea of what the story was. The same applies with your parents they have a history long before you were born. Knowledge of this history helps you understand what behaviors and beliefs were handed down from one generation to another. Patterns are easier to dismantle if you have the original blueprint.

Sometimes we have to walk away take some time out to gain clarity and sometimes we have to bring in someone who can walk us through our family history and how it has shaped who we are.

I love my family dearly I will love them forever but I will not accept behavior that does not honor me as a person. I have let go of expectations and moved into grieving the loss of the dream of the perfect family. I have moved into forgiveness and acceptance. I have a clear understanding of the role I played in the family drama and I am able to step out of that role and stand in my truth.

The pink elephant no longer is a monkey on my back. I no longer accept responsibility for others behavior nor do I have to be the one that ‘Fixes’ everything. I no longer base my self worth on what others think of me I am independent and responsible for my own happiness. I can only change what needs to change in my actions and words and by so doing I will become the example of what can be rather than part of the lie of what never was.

You are part of a family far greater than anything you could have imagined you are a divine child of the universe. You can survive your family you may even be able to grow with them into understanding and forgiveness.

Robin J