Accepting â Agreeing

How often do we hear someone say in an argument “I just can’t accept what you’re saying”.

What they really mean is “I don’t agree with you” and when we make this distinction arguments and stress simply melt away.

A phrase we commonly hear is “let’s agree to disagree”. That’s along the right lines, but we can do a lot better with greater understanding.

Underpinning a deeper understanding is awareness that we cannot change what has already happened. When we step back and think clearly, to not accept what has already happened is absurd.

Even when the argument is about what could happen in the future the issue can be perceived as something that has happened. When an argument is about something that may happen in the future the issue is a difference of perception not a fact. Even if there is compelling evidence that something will happen, the event has not yet become fact. The only thing that has become fact is that a bunch of words have been spoken, perceptions have been expressed.

The understanding that helps when you find yourself arguing is that the other person’s perspective is the only perspective they can have. You may counter “but they said it deliberately … It was designed to offend”. And my question would be; “What made them want to offend you?”

Everything expressed in an argument is the only thing that a person can say, because it is the result of an infinite chain of cause and affect, most of which they have long forgotten or were never aware of. Everything that has ever been expressed in an argument was the result of a long chain of cause and affect, and likewise for the future, everything that will be expressed, will be the result of a long chain of cause and affect.

And behind each of those causes and affects is another infinite chain of cause and affect. Every word that is uttered in an argument has an infinite web of cause and effect behind it stretching back to the beginning of time.

Given what has gone before everything that was said, is it not absurd to fret and wish that something else was said?

When we appreciate this, accepting what is said becomes easy. Then we become free to apply all our energy to making a difference for the future. We can achieve more with less work and less stress.

By accepting what people say, even if we don’t agree, we become free to understand their perceptions, their beliefs and what has shaped their beliefs. We become free to ask questions, which, if asked with a loving intent, will help both them and us gain insight into our perceptions. We will be able to make better choices that will result in a better experience for both of us.