Adult Talk

"Not again!" I screamed silently as my dad's footsteps careened him into the wall. . . slurring a curse, he stumbled. He was home and drunk - again.

"I hope. . . " I continued my silent plea, "I hope you just keep on going past me. No need to say anything."

The very large house I lived in, gave my embarrassment hiding room. . . the game room, the living room, the den, all places of retreat.

Fortunately that night my silent pleas were heard and he staggered to his room to sleep. Not a violent or explosive man, my dad was a rich drunk. He ensured we had the best money could buy. I didn't know poverty. I knew extravagance. The country club type. . . boat, lake house, horses, pool in the back. . . I had a life most teens envied. I had a secret too that few knew. My dad was an alcoholic.

Not realizing it, I started trying out coping skills to see which ones made my life livable. . . as close to happy as I could get. Quickly I found the one skill that kept me going. . . I stayed busy!!

I stayed busy to stay away from the house. I stayed busy to distract myself from my hurt. I stayed busy to prove I was a good daughter. I stayed busy so I didn't have to feel the pain of fear. I stayed busy so I didn't have to feel. Period.

Now as a middle-aged woman, I find myself sometimes going back to those teenage emotions whenever I feel fearful or worried or stressed. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I realize that I have to make choices to NOT react in the ways I learned. I have had to allow myself to FEEL my carefully packed-away emotions. Sharing. Laughing. Crying...and as I feel, I think. I think about what I would want to say to help you, if you are going through something similar.

The first thing is this: You will have to choose to believe the truth in what I am writing. You can choose to not believe what I write but that doesn't make it false. You know, you can choose to NOT believe in the laws of gravity. You can then jump off a building. . . and you will find out your broken leg hurts just as much. Choosing to believe gravity is false doesn't lessen the consequences of gravity. Truth is truth no matter what. I want you to believe because I know the truth can help you. . . but I can't make you believe! You have to choose.

The 2nd fact is the wrong/bad/mean/scary/stupid/hard things your parents did, or do are not your fault. Even if you are 50 or 60 or 70 years old. . . those hurts may reach out and haunt you from years ago. Many times I find myself reacting as a teen girl FIRST and then when I realize it, I’m able to RESPOND as the woman I am today!!!

Let me speak to that little girl or little boy inside you: "You are not responsible for anybody's actions but your own. You can't control anyone but yourself. Each person chooses to do what they do independently. The adults in your life are human beings. . . and they make the wrong decisions simply because they are human. NOT because of you. You are not at fault!"

My dad drank because he chose to drink. Not because I cost too much or wanted too much or was born too late in his life. (He was nearly 40 when I was born.) He chose it. I was not the reason, the excuse, or the problem. So you should know. . . you did not cause those adults to do stupid things.

The last thing for today is you are not a mistake. I want you to think about this. You were born at this time in history because you are supposed to be alive at this time and in this place. There are still things just for you to do and see and experience. You're alive because you are meant to be alive. I know it feels sometimes like you are a mistake and granted, we all MAKE mistakes in life. But YOU, just you, are not a mistake. Your life is valuable. Do you know that valuable means? It means "priceless, dear, important, useful, worthy, significant and precious.” If someone else has told you something differently, let me tell you this fact again, YOU ARE VALUABLE!

Think about these facts and let them sink deep within your heart. Believe in yourself because you are unique, gifted and special!

We all have much to offer each other. I hope you choose today to believe!