Being the Oyster: An Alternative to the Blame Game

BEING THE OYSTER: An Alternative to the Blame Game

It's easy to label someone a "troublemaker" or a "problem." For one thing, it gets us off the hook. We're not to blame; the other guy is. For another, it fuels the idea that the power to change our lives lies outside of us. If the circumstances in which we live were different, then we would be different; presumably, happier. So we blame others for our own unhappiness and try, with subtle and not-so subtle means, to change them. This strategy might work for the short-term -- we may "get" this person to alter his or her behavior so that it's more pleasing to us --but over the long haul it proves disastrous.

It's a waste of time to put energy into changing others. They must act out of their own initiative. We can invite them, inspire them, support them, alert them to another mode of behavior, perhaps even one that would please us, but we can't make them do it. Not really. They may acquiesce, but acquiescing is not the same as committing. Besides, you might not get the change you desire. "OK, I'll do it," she says, though somehow you have the sinking suspicion that the arrangement isn't as "clean" as it appears. Something is lurking in the shadows that could eventually come back to haunt you, or bite you in the rear.

Our attempts to "fix" others ultimately fail. When we invest our energies in others with the hope of bettering our own lives, we experience repeated disappointments, or at the very best, short-lived outcomes. Feelings of powerlessness and lack of self-worth emerge with a vengeance.

"Trouble" or "problems" are inevitable. There isn't much we can do about it. As the blues song goes: "You don't have to go looking for trouble; trouble will find you." It doesn't matter what sort of life we lead; difficult situations arise; our path becomes a rocky road and we're faced with two, perhaps three choices: Will we project our "difficulty" onto another person and describe him or her as the obstacle to our happiness? Will we interpret this "trouble" as a threat to our survival? Or will we accept our present challenging circumstance as an invitation to further our own growth?

The power to change our lives lies within ourselves. By taking full, 100% responsibility for our own role in any "troubling" situation in which we find ourselves, we free ourselves from the "us versus them trap." The prison of opposition melts away; the bars of our cell dissolve, and what we're left with is an opportunity to bring greater happiness into our own and others' lives. Something arises that doesn't please us -- we can learn from the oyster, who takes that irritating grain of sand that enters its shell and transforms it into something beautiful.