Changing the family dynamic from negative to positive when a parent is aging.

Last summer my bigger-than-life dad was bitten by a brown recluse spider on his way to a vacation weekend with my mother and their best friends. He knew he'd been bitten, but he didn't stop driving. Six hours after the bite occurred, still trying to drive, it became clear to my father that he had suffered the potential event that would change his life forever.

Over a period of a few weeks, he suffered at least four surgeries on his arm to stop the flesh eating effects of the spider bite. At one point it was reported to me that he might have his right arm amputated. He was suddenly a much older man.

The crisis passed but the fact remained: this powerful presence, my dad, had become frail and vulnerable. Add "forgetful", "unsteady", and "depressed" to the mix as well.

What is a less than perfect family to do when one important member goes through such a crisis and comes out "old"?

As parents age it is not a time to harbor regrets from the past, and not a time to blame. This trying period of decline will challenge the kindest offspring AND their parents. If the parent/child relationship has never been loving, steps must be taken to change that.

It must become a time to release anything negative that defined the family in the past. It must be a time for maturity, for forgiveness, for compassion. It has to become a time to encourage the aging parent to live as well as they can, to enjoy life, enjoy each other, and not be afraid that their children will thoughtlessly plant them somewhere they don't want to be. It is time to guarantee the parents that they can trust you.

Be warned. Their personalities will likely remain intact. So will yours. If they or you were controlling, angry or deceitful, they and you will still be controlling, angry or deceitful. They will mellow, but they won't completely change. What about you?

Changing a family dynamic is challenging. If you listen to counselors or friends, they will say, "you can only change you." But I believe a family can become new. All of life is a transition of one kind or another. You have to let go of everything negative that defined your family in the past. Everything. You have to do it as a family.

LOOK FOR THE SIGNS OF STRENGTH AND RENEWAL IN THE AGING PARENT. The healing process was tough for dad, taking months. My father exhibited a strength I didn't know he had. My bigger-than-life, physically strong, tireless father was a bigger dad to me then than he ever was in the past. You may find you love your parent more than ever before..now that that parent is "old".