Conquering premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation can be an extremely humiliating experience. People repeatedly come to us with advice on this embarrassing, yet utterly conquerable problem.

Conventional wisdom from the so-called experts tells the man to slow-down and ask for stoppage time. This strategy works fine if you have a paramour that is patient and caring, but what about the rabid flush-faced vixen begging for more on a one-night stand? With her crying “harder!” and “don’t stop!” in the throes of an orgasmic frenzy, it is proper or acceptable to respond with a: “Just a second, darling, I must step back and wipe my brow. Ok, I’m back now for a good five strokes. Off again. Just let me sip some water. A few more up-and-ins, how’s that feeling? You seem to have quieted down. A couple more gyrations, perhaps? Think about that last session while I meditate here for a second. Ok, tally ho!”

But if stepping out isn’t a solution, how do you slow the waterfall? The balls want what the balls want, and they will have their way if not stopped. We canvassed a wide circle of premature ejaculators to bring you ten of the more unconventional, yet highly effective techniques.

1. Put a huge dildo in your butt if you feel the urge to ejaculate. All penile sensation will be blocked out by utterly different, overwhelming feeling.

2. Freeze your penis. A quick trip to the kitchen prior to sex should do the trick. Claim that you are refreshing her drink, when in fact you are cooling your member on an ice tray. If she insists on ice in her drink, use cubes from the second tray.

3. Get rip-roaring drunk so you have limited or no feeling. A shot immediately before the act is a must. If she objects to the smell, tell her the alcohol aftertaste is derived from Listerine.

4. Watch gay porn prior to having sex (or during, if she is liberal enough to tolerate that). If you are gay, watch straight porn.

5. Masturbate like a madman before the engagement, so the internal semen pressure is miniscule. Chafing might result, but this can be viewed as a positive, as you will feel more pain than pleasure while stroking, thus doubly delaying the end result.

6. Flip her on top. Works for me.

7. Assume an untenable pose where all blood will rush to the muscles to prevent cramping, and away from the penis, eyes and ears, or any other part subject to erotic sensation.

8. Tell her that you don’t mind the feeling of enamel during oral sex. Every scrape of the shaft should horrify you enough to last an extra 30 seconds later.

9. Only sleep with unattractive women, at least until you get the hang of things.

10. Squeeze the hose.