Dating Advice For Women - Resist Your Urge To Pursue

More Equality Than Ever

Today, there is more equality than ever between the sexes in the work place. Even many marriages have become more like a partnership, with both parties sharing the chores. Unfortunately, the single world is lagging far behind. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual that has simply not caught up.

So if dating is still in the dark ages – what does that mean for women today? The fact is, there’s a strong downside to women taking over the pursuit during the initial courtship. Okay, okay, let me explain.

A Perfect Example

Here’s a perfect example provided by my client Jim, who called to tell me he was “kind of seeing” someone. I asked what that meant and his answer fascinated me. Jim ran into a woman acquaintance he knew from business networking. One thing led to another and Carol suggested that she cook a nice dinner Friday night. Jim went to dinner and then attended a second home-cooked dinner as well.

Sounds great right? Not exactly. Jim explained that although the food and company were good, every candle in the place was burning and the romance was turned up a few notches too high. After dinner, Carol built a fire and they sat on the couch drinking wine.

Not a Real Date

Jim felt perplexed because his date handled everything and there was no way for him to contribute. When asked how he felt about the situation, he said he’d prefer to call, ask her out, and take her on a “real date.” Yikes, in Jim’s mind, these weren’t even real dates!

What happened here? Let’s dissect this situation to gain a better understanding of what went wrong. First, Carol took the lead when she asked Jim out. She probably wanted to lure him in through the age-old strategy, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” But a home-cooked meal is more natural later in the dating process when the foundation for intimacy has been established and this is something that cannot be rushed.

Men Don’t Like Being Wooed

Unfortunately, Carol’s plan backfired, because most men don’t respond well to being “wooed.” Even those men who claim to like aggressive females and have dated women who asked them out, admitted they usually got a second date by turning the tables and asking her out. In other words – they decided seeing the woman was a good idea and took over the pursuit.

Carol was probably wondering what the heck happened. Can you imagine her saying, “We had such a nice time. I cooked a fabulous dinner and we talked for hours drinking wine in front of a roaring fire. It was so romantic and he didn’t have to lift a finger! What more could he want?”

Curious and Flattered, But Not his Idea

Here’s one answer – Jim wants it to be HIS idea. Men prefer the role of pursuer and this is eons of biological history to fight against. Even though Jim accepted Carol’s invitations, he wasn’t invested in her agenda. Was he curious and flattered? Sure, but that didn’t create any intention on Jim’s part to pursue her on his own volition.

Many women insist that some men are shy and need a little prodding. This is usually not true at all and even shy men know how to go after something or someone they want. Most men enjoy the chase and there’s no chase if the woman does all the pursuing.

He’s Not the One for You

So give men a chance to win you over. And ladies, if the man you’re interested in doesn’t ask you out, he’s not the one for you. He might like flirting or enjoy banter, but he’s not genuinely interested. Move on to find a man who’ll step up to the plate and ask you out. When it’s his idea, he’s more invested. As a woman, that’s what you want!

You Win When You Let Him Lead

Instead of taking charge, rely on your feminine charm. Sit back and allow a man to take the lead during the initial courtship. (You'll start to share the initiation duties once you two are an "item.") Observe what he does to please and win you over. That’s how you can tell if he’s interested and not just curious or flattered by your advances. Think of the start of a new relationship like dancing a waltz – the woman follows the man’s lead to enjoy floating around the room together, hopefully without stepping on his toes.