Engagement Anxiety Relieved: Working with Projection

Most people in an intimate relationship will, at some point, find themselves stuck in a projection about their partner. Projections are a bit challenging to define and even more challenging to see it when you’re in it. In Wikipedia’s words:

“Psychological projection or projection bias (including Freudian Projection) is the unconscious act of denial of a person's own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, the government, a tool, or to other people…

Projection is considered one of the most profound and subtle of human psychological processes, and extremely difficult to work with because, by its nature, it is hidden. It is the fundamental mechanism by which we keep ourselves uninformed about ourselves.”

I know my client is in a projection when she (or he) begins our initial phone session with the some version of the following sentiments: “I’m with such a wonderful partner. He (or she) is loving, kind, responsible, honest. But all I see are his (of her) negative qualities. I don’t want to be around him like I used to and I can’t feel my love for him. Help!” Once we confirm the absence of red-flags (addiction, abuse, irreconcilable differences regarding core values, unresolved trust issues), we move into what the projection could be protecting my client from feeling. In other words, where some women over-focus on the planning and turn into bridezilla as an (unconscious) way to avoid dealing with the more uncomfortable feelings inherent to the wedding transition, others project their fear, grief, loss, and uncertainty onto their partner.

There are two components to working with projection. First, we must begin to dig beneath the presenting problem – “I can’t feel my love for my partner and everything about him bugs me”- to discover the core feelings unde
eath. Is my client scared of growing up and facing the new level of responsibility that accompanies getting married? Is she grieving another layer of loss around her father’s death years ago? Is he having a hard time letting go of the bachelor identity and accepting the fact that his single ways are over? There are hundreds of possible scenarios leading to hundreds of associated feelings that need to be addressed directly. Once the real feeling is exposed and effectively attended to, the projection onto one’s partner will begin to diminish. I offer my clients an in-depth process for dealing with projection. When they commit to working with the process daily, they usually see results quickly. That is, until the next projection takes hold and they need to attend at yet a new level!

The second component for working with projection is how to handle it in the moment. It can be quite disconcerting and disheartening to be sitting across the dinner table from your intended and feel a millions miles away. Or to be sitting beside them on the couch when he reaches for you and you want to run. I offer the following script to my clients for working with the projection in the moment, to be said to themselves and repeated as many times as necessary:

“I’m in a projection.” (By naming the projection you will immediately diffuse some of its power.)
“I’m seeing my partner through distorted eyes.”
“It’s not reality.” (Projections feel real – that’s why they’re so hard to work with. By using your rational mind and telling yourself it’s not real, even when it feels so, you will be able to come back into the moment.)

After you’ve told yourself the truth, it’s time to transform to negative energy into positive. The way to do this in the moment is to focus on one thing about your partner that you love. It could be something small and physical, like his hands or her eyes. It could be a character trait like his kindness or her sense of humor. Whatever you choose make sure it’s something you truly love and can focus on entirely. Be careful not to allow your fear-based thoughts to enter into this exercise – but if they do, acknowledge them and consciously put them aside. Spend at least one minute focusing exclusively on this particular positive trait that you love about your partner.

If you’re at home or a place where you can take the work deeper, you can choose to explore what the projection might be distracting you from feeling. You can do this either with or without your partner. If at all possible, I encourage you to do this with your partner as it carries the potential of increasing intimacy between you. But if you don’t feel safe enough to do so, you can ask for some private time and start jou
aling with your emotional self and Higher self to begin to uncover the important emotions that are trying to surface and bring truth to these feelings. (See article on jou
aling on my website)

If you find yourself stuck in a projection, you can take heart in knowing that you’re not alone! With practice and patience, you will forge your way through and begin to feel your true feelings of love for your partner once again.