Expect More, Depressed Less

Manic depression is a trickster.
I've been fighting it all my life; the mopey, draggy, sad, passionless, dour, near suicidal emptiness.
Then the sudden elated, hyper, creative, charming, glittery, lusty, energetic hypo mania hits and I think I can take on the world.
But of course the pendulum swings back the other way.

I've been navigating my bi-polar swings fairly well these past 20 years.
When I was hypo manic, I rode the wave of super-creativity.
When I was depressed, I disciplined myself to push through it and live my life.

The meds have helped, but at a price.
They keep me more even but they can make me passionless too.
They take the edge off the hypo-mania, meaning sometimes I don't have any passion for anything.

Navigating the meds has been difficult.
It's tough knowing how to take just enough to keep me from falling into the abyss while preserving some of my creative mania.

If I take the full prescriptions on a daily basis, I become a zombie.
I usually take them every other day.

Have I tried going off the meds entirely??
Sure.
I'll never do that again.

That's like a diabetic going off insulin all together hoping that they can manipulate their blood sugar with diet alone.
It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye...literally.

Mood disorders are not moods.
That's why they're called "disorders".
Mood disorders are chemical imbalances that need to be treated.

Can they be cured?
Probably, yes.
If diabetes (Type 2) can be cured, so can a chemical imbalance,
BUT I'm no where near the "cured" stage of my mood disorder.

And I don't mind being on the meds as long as I can juggle them well enough to be close to healthy.

Diet and exercise help.
Keeping a healthy body makes the symptoms more bearable.

The mind and soul need help too.
Pastor Joel's message the other night was like a super-dose of B12 energy.
It was a great reminder to know I can put my troubles on God and trust that my efforts will pay off somehow even if I have doubts.

It's tough, though.
It's tough in the moment to be able to have faith that things can get better.
Sometimes it feels like the misery will never lift.
Or that life circumstances like my job challenges will never improve.

Every time I sent out a resume these past 2 months, I had mixed feelings.
Part of me felt defeated, hopeless like I suspected I might never hear from the folks I sent it to.
Part of me imagined working at the job, happy, smiling, driving a decent car, wearing nice clothes, being good at whatever I was getting paid to do.

Then I heard from a good one.
The interview Wednesday will be great!
I put that out there to the universe.
They will hire me.
They will be great to work for.
I will be effective at doing that job!

Life rises to our expectations.
The challenge is to keep those expectations high.