Finding My Value in Spite of Relationships

Part Four in the “Coming Into Your Own” Series For most of us, the need to have productive and intimate relationships is very important. We work on improving our marriages and friendships and sometimes, although unproductively, we try to work on others, too. We often think we will be happy when our relationships are happy. This thought process is really backwards. In other words, our relationships will be happier ones when we are happier with ourselves. A big piece in coming into your own is to have the courage to “go at it alone” for a while. This doesn’t mean if you are married, you need to get a divorce. But rather, it means to take the time and space to focus on what you want and what you want out of the relationships in your life. Lexi Sundell shares with us her view on relationships and how one important realization about them has helped her, perhaps more than any other experience she has had in her life, finally come into her own.nnRelationships usually are chosen to show one’s true worth. Relationships chosen for that reason usually do not do so, except perhaps obliquely. Sometimes bad examples teach far more clearly than anything else. My past is littered with bad example relationships, all of which I eventually left to find my own path as I discovered how toxic those relationships were. My immediate family focused their energies on self destruction, quite efficiently and unpleasantly. (See The Long Shadow of Suicide.) Friends have come and gone, also bent on unproductive paths. I kept making the decision to take a different course from what I saw around me and over time managed to do so. Without much of a role model this was definitely a trial and error proposition, but then, so is life itself. If something is not working, change it. If that doesn’t work either, change it again. This formula leads to different results if pursued diligently. Sooner or later they are better results if one stays observant. The driving force for me has been the creative spark within me. (See Finding My Creative Path.) Whenever I allow it to take the reins, I move in healthier directions, often humorously entertaining ones at that. When I stifle it, life becomes constrained. In the absence of positive external examples, follow the core knowing within oneself. In the presence of positive external examples, do the same thing, perhaps more easily. Once I aligned with my own core value and quit seeking a relationship to provide that, healthy relationships entered my life. I find myself continuing to expand creatively and I am surrounded by a group of friends who support my thriving self.