Telling Yourself the Truth

You’re a liar.

I know you don’t want to hear that. But it’s true.

So am I. And man I hate to say that. But it’s true too. We all lie. To ourselves.

Now in our defense, we don’t mean to. And not only do we not mean to—we don’t even know we are doing it. Because we are in a state of denial.

We suffer from “confirmation bias” and see things as we would like them to be—not as they really are.

• We say we are eating healthy because we ordered a salad—and don’t see that the Caesar dressing has enough carbs and cholesterol to fell an ox.

• We tell ourselves our marriage or relationship is good because we didn’t have a fight in a week. Total disassociation from reality.

• We tell ourselves we’re quitting smoking because we went from two packs a day to a pack and a half. What a joke!

• We like to think because we buy self-development books and audios that means we’re actually using them. Fantasy sometimes.

• We believe because we keep firing the idiots that work for us we’re solving the problem. But the real problem is the idiot who keeps hiring the idiots.

• We like to think that because we throw money at problems—buying more technology, hiring more experts, or installing more systems—we have solved the problem. This is total bullshit because it doesn’t address the core beliefs that create the behavior which creates the problem to begin with.

Let’s get a few things straight. That dress or that shirt does not make you look fat. They simply reveal the fact you are fat.

The reason your budget is tight is not because the Arabs raised the price of oil, your boss is cheap, or big corporations are greedy. Your money is tight because you spend more than you take in.

The reason your current girlfriend or boyfriend has some of the same neurosis as your last four has nothing to do with them. It is all about you.

Yet it is amazing the depths and ability of the human mind to deceive itself. I had a fascinating conversation with a guy a few weeks ago.

He related the story of his latest webmaster that shut down his site and held him up for ransom. This was the latest in a string of situations like that for him. Finally someone asked him what he might be doing to manifest all this.

Of course he was offended to be asked that question. But when he got over that, he advanced his theory on why he was always in situations like that. What do you think it was?

Basically he told me that God created people like him to let other people take advantage of them—knowing that he would take it all without getting violent. So he sees himself as the ultimate martyr. The noble selfless guy who lets everyone victimize him, eating up all the bad karma to spare the rest of us.

It works out perfect for everyone. He gets to be a martyr, and his partners in co-dependence get to run their rackets. Everyone gets to feel noble and live in denial.

What a total crock of shit.

And that is the nature of the human animal. We actually hear things that weren’t said. And we see things that don’t exist. We simply make them up to conform with our view of the world around us and what we want to happen.

Republicans think Bush won the debates. Democrats think Kerry was the victor. Libertarians like me think they both were pathetic. Now Republicans think they have a mandate, and Democrats think the election was stolen. Whatever.

I was sitting in a Board meeting for my church. Patricia mentioned that the minister’s birthday was coming up. Alice said, “Let’s remember people’s preferences in the future. Because we bought Benny a cake for his birthday. But he is a vegan and couldn’t eat it.”

We all agreed this was a good idea and moved on to other business. Patricia called me afterward and asked me what we should do with Alice. I wanted to know why. She said, “Because of the way she attacked me during the meeting.”

I had no idea what she was talking about. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“I was the one that bought the cake for Benny. She said that I was selfish and inconsiderate. She attacked me in the meeting!”

I assured her that Alice had said no such thing, and repeated what she really said. Patricia disputed this and then went on to make even more outrageous claims about statements that had never been said. Here is the most interesting part of the equation…

You know what Patricia’s occupation is? She is a mental health therapist.

Really. But like many of them, she is crazier than the people she treats. She warps reality to fit her perception of the world. Reality is subjective.

So what do we do about all this?

In many cases what is needed is professional help. (Preferably from a therapist less crazy than you are!) If you have issues with addiction, obsessive disorders, blinding jealousy, neurosis, etc, you really need to seek professional help from a trained therapist.

You can’t change things like this yourself, because mental illness always reinvents itself. It convinces you that it has been fixed, but it has really gone underground or permutated into something different. You simply cannot clear yourself of mental illness. No one can.

And of course denial and lying to ourselves is certainly a form of mental illness. If it isn’t too deep, you may be able to get yourself back to truthfulness without a mental therapist. But to do that, you’ll need a good support group of friends in your life.

You need people of consciousness, who are aware and intelligent. And most importantly, not afraid to tell you things you don’t want to hear. Here are the kinds of things a good friend can tell you:

• That you are being emotionally abused by your partner.
• That you are repeating a pattern of dysfunctional relationships.
• That you have unhealthy spending patterns.
• That you are hoarding money and have a lack mentality.
• That you are not assertive enough to get your needs met.

Of course the most important person of all to tell you the truth is yourself. So having good friends and seeking professional help when you need it keeps you on the right track.

Do some HONEST reflection.

How much are you in denial about the things that happen in your life? Here is a hint:

Anything bad that happens to you that you think is the fault of anyone or anything else—you are in denial about!

Do you have areas that require a professional therapist? How many people do you have who will tell you the truth? nnn-RGnn
* Excerpted from Randy Gage’s BreakthroughU.com Monthly Lesson