Getting Over It

"Marc" was nine years old when his mother was killed by a drunk driver. An immigrant with no other family support, he bounced through foster homes until he "aged out" of Child Services at eighteen, and the system abandoned him to sleep in his car.

He didn't waste time feeling like a victim. He knew he was smart. He threw himself into school, the only stable thing in his life, and became a model student and a model citizen. The principal of Marc's high school helped him get a scholarship to one of the area's best private schools, then to a prestigious university. Only a strong sense of purpose could give someone so young the will and presence of mind to pull himself out of such a drastic situation. Not only did Marc manage to create a good life from the wreckage of his childhood, he gave his mentors the opportunity to experience the joy of giving.

Marc is not a unique case. None of us is a powerless, hopeless victim of circumstance. Challenging situations don't come about because we did something wrong. The events of our lives are custom-made to teach us what we need to learn. Our problems show us where we're stuck, and what we'd rather have.

You are your own solution. Your character and purpose shape the circumstances and people you encounter, and bring you opportunities that stimulate you to make the most of your life. Every experience you have is an essential expression of your life's unfolding, and can't be other than it is. You are always perfectly yourself, doing the best you can at every moment. And so is everyone else, whether they know it or not. Even the thorns in your side.

Your interactions reflect the challenges and opportunities both parties face. You may not think that their best is very good, but you don't know what they're going through inside that might be getting in their way. Outward symptoms reflect unresolved issues within. Your difficult circumstances show you what you have to work through on your quest to become the person you want to be. For example, if you can't meet deadlines, you may be unconsciously worried that your work isn't worthy of prime time.

Try on the idea that whatever happens to you is exactly what you need to stimulate your growth as a person, to make peace with the past and create a new future. Sometimes it may be hard to see how a particular situation could lead you to your idea of a good life, but it's all grist for the mill of building a life you love.

In the big picture, no one is to blame. Everyone involved in a problem has a part in it, and can glean wisdom from it. Blaming someone only keeps you attached to that person and the circumstances you blame them for, and makes you feel self-righteous about being a victim. Like the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Capulets and the Montagues, it doesn't lead to a happy ending.

The people you have trouble getting along with usually aren't trying to thwart you for spite. You're just a placeholder in their karmic game. But if you react in a dysfunctional way, you get sucked into the drama. Focusing on who's right or wrong, who's a better or worse person, doesn't solve or change anything. Don't fixate on how awful somebody was to poor you. Don't kill the messenger, get the message. Pull yourself out of the swamp by examining the problem until you understand how to change it.

To get yourself back on track when something gets in the way of your dreams, try this little exercise. Ask and answer the question, "What's the problem?" When you feel that you clearly understand the situation, take responsibility for your part in it by asking yourself, "What part(s) of this problem am I responsible for?" Ask and answer both of these questions until you develop a new understanding of what happened, and an idea of what to do next. Revisit this exercise as often as you need to, and especially when something upsetting comes up.

The first step to enlightenment is to see clearly that you are asleep, lost in a maze of your own making, and that most of your coping mechanisms are not only fruitless, but the source of much of your suffering.

People often say, "So-and-so upset me. It's his fault I feel so bad. He deserves to have me mad at him." I say, what is it about you that makes you "upsettable" in that situation? Fix that and you won't really care what anyone else does.

I feel better about my relationship with my mother since I realized that the things about her that drove me crazy weren't aimed at me. That, much as I may have believed so at the time, she wasn't calculating ways to hurt me. She's programmed, just as we all are, by her past, doing the best she can with the hand she was dealt. What I really hated was feeling powerless to overcome the dysfunctional patterns I'd fashioned to cope with her. Over time, I realized that she didn't have to change for me to be able to adapt my own reactions and find a more positive way to be with her.

Smooth difficult relationships by clearing out stored-up resentment, judgments, struggles, and unconscious, automatic habits from the past. Examine your own behavior and attitudes. Acknowledge what you feel, even if only to yourself, and search out the root of your discontent. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they said or did is okay with you; it means changing your outlook. Letting go of that person's power to upset you is much better than forgetting. You don't want to forget— you want to learn the lesson, remember the insight, be able think about, or even be in the presence of the person who offended you, despite what she did. A grudge hurts only the one holding it. And the ones you hold against yourself, for thoughtless things you said or did, are the most destructive.

Your history influences how you interpret things. The conditions that you think of as problems don't mean that you're a failure or a bad person. Losing an argument or missing an opportunity doesn't mean you're stupid or lazy. Your mission is to learn your lessons, reinterpret situations in which you feel victimized so you can see them in a new light, and accept the challenges of doing what it takes to make the most of your life.

Think of young Marc, at nine years old, with the strength of character he needed to go on. When you're annoyed with someone, look at him or her as a reminder to open your heart and share love and support. No matter how you've been hurt in the past, give yourself credit for the good things about you now, and get going on making your dreams come true.