Healing: Your Experience of Inner Emptiness

What do you think causes you to feel empty inside? Is it the lack of other people in your life and what they're not doing, or that we have not fulfilled a dream we've long had? When I was younger, I had no clue about what was important to me or how I was feeling. I had been taught to care for everyone around me and learned to ignore my own inner voice. I had abandoned my most important relationship ...my relationship with myself and I didn't know what it meant to love and support 'me'.

I've worked with many people who feel empty inside. They often think something is missing in their lives and attempt to focus on life outside of themselves instead of looking inward. Generally, I hear: "I am upset because I don't have or get enough ... "

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approval from friends

Does this sound familiar to you? Many of us attempt to rely too much on other people or things to meet our needs and fulfill us vs. focusing on loving and supporting ourselves and meeting our own needs. This often looks like blaming others (as well as things) for where we are at in our lives.

My life would have meaning if I had a partner.
I am stuck in this job (that doesn't fulfill me) because I have a family to feed.
She took the only man I've ever loved, or the only job I have ever wanted.
My partner won't marry me, ...he doesn't provide me with enough stimulation and I am bored.
Life is boring, and nothing excites me.

Do you ever hear yourself thinking these thoughts, or reflecting examples like these to others? I certainly have, but realize that none of these excuses cause inner emptiness. People who feel empty inside generally experience themselves as flawed. There's a core wounding and worthiness issue that stems from programmed beliefs about who we are. We lack a sense of deserving to have what we want. Often, our unnecessary fears and hostility from others cause us to come to conclusions like, "there is something seriously wrong with me. ...I am not enough". We're bad, inadequate, selfish, unlovable, un-important ...always wrong. Our wounded self operates from a core of shame and it's a powerful force.

Negative thoughts and unconscious core beliefs cause people to engage in unhealthy activities and behaviors. People use processes or substances as an addict who's attempting to fill a large dark and empty well. We cause our emptiness through our own self-judgement. We abandon ourselves through numbing our feelings or ignoring our need to eat, sleep or even go to the bathroom by staying in our head and ignoring what we feel. When we believe we're not good enough we'll turn our focus outside of ourselves and attempt to make other people responsible for loving and supporting us. We seek attention through what we wear, caretaking, niceness, over-talking or story-telling. We use sex to feel okay with ourselves but end up feeling more empty.

What are some things you do that distract you from being present to who you are and what's best for you? Have you ever found yourself using unhealthy behaviors that have become a bad habit? Process activities like anger, blame, over-shopping, over-spending, over-working, over-eating, over-exercising, computer games, email, gambling, internet, telephone, or watching too much television? What about substances like: food, sugar, alcohol, cigarettes or drugs? While these might work for some in the moment, it won't be long before the pain of separation is back. The problem with all of these choices is that they only address the symptom of inner emptiness and not the underlying cause. They are not healthy solutions.

As an adult, its important to separate yourself from negative projections from your past that have no real basis in what's true for you today. Take your power back! ...don't let remnants of negative energy (from others) run your life.

Inner emptiness is caused by a lack of connection to the love you feel inside and to spirit.

What's missing is the love coming through us and long forgotten passions that give us a sense of purpose in the world. Inner emptiness is caused by self-abandonment and not caring for, nor loving ourselves enough. It is not caused by anything or anyone outside of us. The only thing that truly fills the emptiness is Love for yourself, for others and towards something that gives you a sense of passion and a higher purpose in your life. Today you are in charge of your happiness and your destiny. Happy, people have learned to meet their own needs and to make themselves a priority.

So how do we do it?

By shifting your attention and focus inward.

Take time to get to know what's important to you by getting in touch with how you feel about things in your daily life.

Take a good look at your relationship, your friendships, what your are eating, how you're sleeping, where you work and your home environment. Notice what is reflected back to you and how you feel about it. How are these things serving you? ... and if they are not, what are you going to do to change them?

When you hear yourself ask for something you need, attend to your needs.

If you don't like going to the gym (and you're going to be watching the clock the whole time your there), ...don't go! I've been there, ...do something else. Try something new!

If you are not connected to your companies mission statement, it's slowly killing you to work there!

Feeling gloomy, perhaps it's your environment trying to share something with you. Re-paint your walls to reflect more joy, ...take the curtains down and let more light in!

Love yourself as well as others through greater self-care practices on a daily basis. Small-steps lead to big-change!

Live your life to the fullest and enjoy the process and learning that can be had from trying something completely different and a new adventure!

All Life's Best Always,

Tina Morse MA, MFT