How could she do this to me - A story of an adult child of an alcoholic

W hen I was a kid I couldn't understand how my alcoholic Mother could " do this to me".

I used to say " What kind of a Mother would treat her kids this way?" From the embarrassment of her being on the kitchen floor during a dinner party with her friends as my dad hissed at her "get up!" to being slobbering drunk when I risked having girlfriends over.

Embarrassment, shame and anger towards my Mom was a very familiar feeling. Probably the only feelings I knew back then. I went from loving her when she was sober during the day and hating her when she was drunk at night. The Jekyll and Hyde personalities was so confusing to me and the two very different feelings for her caused me much anxiety. If I loved her how could I hate her too? The guilt ate at me.

How could she do this to us?

I wanted so badly for her to see how this was affecting my brother and I. My Dad tolerated it and even enabled it but he was embarrassed by her too; but he stood by her and loved her even so.

How could she do this to my Dad?

One day as I was especially angry and embarrassed by her I stopped thinking about myself for a minute and thought about her. I wondered how unhappy she must be to drink this way. What demons is she living with that has caused her so much pain? Why does she have to drink to feel good about herself? How bad her own self esteem must be!

My thinking shifted after that and I realized it wasn't about me at all. I was taking her drinking so personally but I really didn't factor in at all. She wasn't doing this "to me". She was and is so terribly unhappy that she has to drink ( or so she believes) to get through the day. My hurt from it was a side effect but it wasn't intentional.

I started to realize that this was about my Mom's "stuff" and not me. Once I looked at it from another perspective and realized it wasn't about anyone at all but her own fears and insecurities I could start feeling sad for her rather than mad.

How could she do this to herself?

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