How To Approach Business Relationships With Constructive Criticism

When I was just starting out in my career some years ago, after an all-day training program for professional speakers, I approached the main presenter to give her some feedback and advice on her speaking style – constructive criticism that I thought would help her for her next presentation. I waited for a few others to end their after-talk chatting and then approached her. But instead of waiting for the perfect moment after a connection had been established, I started right in with my feedback.

The speaker was overwhelmed in the most negative fashion you can imagine and became defensive. She retorted, “How do you know that? Did you check with others?” indicating clearly that she was offended. Here she was, after a day of presenting, at her most vulnerable moment, and I “attacked” her with what she saw as criticism, whether it was constructive or not. She was meeting with the officers of the organization next, and I could just imagine her outrage spilling over into their conversation as she billed me as the most insensitive dolt, destructive and pernicious. I myself was devastated. What was intended as helpful and supportive was received as aggressive and tactless. And now my standing in the organization (I was newly elected to the board) was tentative to say the least. I could just see myself being ostracized from the group I had hoped to become an integral part of. I could handle this situation as either a pessimist or an optimist.

Here’s the pessimist version: I truly am an insensitive dolt. I took it upon myself to “attack” someone at her most vulnerable moment. How could I be so stupid! This event will change things forever. I’ll never make my way back into the good graces of this group to which I aspired to be an integral part. This will affect my entire professional career. Every aspect of my career is tinged by this from now on and forever.

Here’s the optimist version: I offered constructive criticism that no one else had the guts to offer. This feedback will make her good presentation even better in the future. She deserves to hear what will help her. I would want that if I were in her shoes. She took offense to it. Somehow she may not be as secure as I thought in terms of getting such feedback. I misjudged that aspect of her personality. Had I taken more time to develop a personal rapport with her, she definitely would have been more receptive and appreciative. I’m responsible for communicating effectively, though not responsible for her feelings. This is a lesson in the necessity for good rapport before giving potentially hurtful feedback. I won’t forget that.

So, was I personally responsible? Absolutely, and so was the other party, making this a two-way proposition. Was the effect permanent and pervasive? Not at all, as I took charge of the situation to rectify the understanding of all those involved that my intent was benign. I took responsibility for my timing and pointed out what I learned about the importance of gaining rapport before offering constructive criticism. This theory of optimism is only as good as its application to a down-to-earth, thorny problem.