How to Handle Flaking For Good (And Avoid the 3.2 Billionth Position)

I want to start out this discussion on how to deal with flaking with a letter from Jay, one of my students:

"Hey, Dr. Alex~

Love your material... Thank you very much! I have a situatio
I was hoping to have your personal opinion on...

So at a wedding in July, I met my cousin's live-in nanny from Australia...tall, beautiful blonde who's only in the area until January. She's 20, I'm 28...and while age doesn'tndictate maturity, she does seem to have a high propensity to game-play to get attention. We dated for a couple months, seeing each other about twice a week, and being verynaffectionate/intimate.

I've played it very cool and "kept it light" thusfar... usually waiting for her to make call or email first. Then about a month ago, she started to play more games and was being very hot/cold... i.e., calling me six times from a bar one night, then pretty much blowing me off the next day.

It also seemed like there was a pattern of us making plans, and something coming up for her afterwards, her cancelling them... I didn't get it b/c she still expressed interest.

Since those days, I've "detached," and decided to fully let her chase me. She emailed me once a week later, with a few brief "thinking of you," "hopefully we can chat soon" lines...I responded with a nonchalant "Hey there, talk soon" email.

Since that day about 3 weeks ago, there's been no word. I vowed not to call, but I would've expected to hear from her by now. Because I know she needs attention, I'mnpretty sure this has got to be bothering her, but it's starting to really bother me, too!

I know she's not the girl for me, long-term...but the problem is I'm just so sexually attracted to her, and feel lonely for someone to hang out with. Man, the "psychology ofnscarcity" really works, even on you, even when you understand it. I'd love your expert opinion...Should I call? Will she call? Or should I keep my pride, and just try to forgetnabout her??

Thanks so very much! All my best..." --Jay from PA

I really like Jay from PA's story, because it's such a common scenario for guys. They meet a girl. Things are going great. And then, suddenly, poof! She's gone. And they wonder what the heck went wrong.

Jay's letter brings up at least four big themes from "The Tao of Dating: The Thinking
Man's Guide to Success with Women." The first is the difference betwee
Girls and Women. The second is being fulfillment-centered. The third is the importance of Leading. And the fourth is Wealth-Consciousness vs. the Scarcity Mentality.

First of all, I want you (meaning Jay, and every one of you who has ever been in Jay's place) to know this: you probably didn't do anything wrong. And she probably still likes you. But girls at that age are exceptionally flighty creatures, utterly and totally unpredictable. You simply can't figure them out, so don't try to. The only thing you cannpredict about them is that they can't be predicted.

It's really a cruel joke the universe plays on us: the exact time when women are most attractive to us is is also when they can cause us the most pain. But pain is just wishing the world to be different than it is, so it's always optional. Just accept the craziness of it all. It's a feature, not a bug. Roll with it, baby.

But, I digress. One of the points that I make in the ebook is to start dealing more with Women, not Girls. Ask any woman over 30, and she will gladly tell you that she was "so bad to men" when she was younger.

Don't take my word for it -- just ask your female friends. And go seek out Women more than you seek out Girls. The difference between them is that girls primarily rely on outside opinion to run their lives -- friends, magazines, media -- whereas women have developed an internal sense of self that guides them. They know what they want, make no apologies for it, tend to return phone calls, and appreciate your company more.

They're also more experienced sexually, and right about the age of 30, something magical happens to their bodies, almost like it's caught some kind of holy fire. Whereas for a 20 year old, sex is something that's kinda fun but she's not quite sure what all the fuss is about, the 30 year old woman LOVES sex and knows exactly why. So go get thee some Women in their thirties, young man.

The second thing that Jay's letter brings to mind is one of the things that I really emphasized in the "Tao of Dating" ebook:

Fulfillment is not a person. Fulfillment is a *feeling.*

That feeling is evoked by things like companionship, shared adventure, intimacy, goodnconversation, sex, etc. If you're not getting those, YOU'RE NOT BEING FULFILLED. So go forth and find someone who does give you those feelings.

You understand what I'm talking about here?

From what I'm hearing, the Aussie girl is probably hot. But in describing her, Jay mentions things like "game-playing," "attention-seeking," being bothered by her, feeling lonely, etc.

I don't know about you, but that stuff doesn't sound a lot like fulfillment to me, regardless of how hot she is.

The third thing that the letter brings up is how Jay's been dealing with the situation. Now I haven't witnessed the whole course of this relationship, but it sounds like she's beennjerking his chain a little bit. My question to him (and every on of us whose chain has ever been jerked, including yours truly) is: How did it all start? And how did you handle it?

It sounds to me that Jay, and a lot of us, get so attracted to the girl that we were willing to put up with it from the outset and probably didn't call her on it. And once she found out she could get away with it, it just got worse.

The solution to this is NEVER to let it happen in the first place. Call her on it. Nip it in the bud.

You do this by LEADING, which is one of the three cardinal attributes of being a MAN. You're setting the pace. You're setting the agenda. As soon as you abdicate that role, you will lose control of the relationship.

You see, women are naturally attracted to DOMINANT men. This doesn't just mean dominant to her, but dominant in society at large. Somebody with real strength and status. Dominant to other men. Masculine Yang energy. Think of senators, successful businessmen, men of power. (The good news is you don't have to be president or CEO ton*display* the signs of dominance. I talk all about that in Chapter 8 and 9 of "The Tao of Dating" ebook.)

When she tests you by jerking your chain and gets away with it, you have just lost a dominance battle to her -- a WOMAN. Now where does that put you?

It puts you at what I call "The 3.2 billionth position."

There are 3.2 billion men on this planet. And you just went to the back of that queue. Because you got bested by a woman, who is by nature physically smaller and less strong than you. And that means that, theoretically, ALL the guys -- who are probably bigger and stronger than her -- are probably dominant to you. At least in her mind.

Do *not* get caught in the 3.2 billionth position. Always take the lead.

The fourth thing that the letter brings up is the mentality of scarcity. The Tao of Dating is predicated on three big themes: Wealth-Consciousness, the Be-Do-Have Paradigm, and
Enlightened Self-Interest. Of these three, I would say Wealth-Consciousness is the mostnimportant.

And when you feel you've only got one cookie in the world, it's tough to feel that wholenwealth-consciousness thing. So realize that there are millions more attractive, interesting women out there, and there's no reason to ever get "hungry." Say to yourself, "I have everything that I need," because it's a true statement. Go to the nine Secret Goldmines for Quality Women that I mention in the ebook, use the Two-Hit System for meeting them, get their information the way I tell you to, and go on at least four non-boring dates with four new women. (Then, Jay and all "I'm-in-the-same-place-as-Jay" men, come back and see how you feel about the "one" woman.)

But I hear where you're coming from: she's hot. And you dig her. And you want her back, on your terms. Although I'm recommending that you basically move on and diversify your portfolio, as they say in the corporate world, here's what you do:

You need to appear to be less attracted to her than she is to you. Put yourself lower than her on the attraction gradient. The ball is in play, and it doesn't ever roll uphill.

You do this by ignoring her. The trick is to make her aware of the fact that she's being actively ignored.

So, you send an email or leave a voicemail along these lines: "Hey there, Aussie girl. Haven't heard from you in a while and was wondering how you're doing. Actually, the last few times you kinda screwed up your opportunities to spend time with me, so I want you to know that I'm taking you off the fun list. I'm sorry; it's just that there are standards. I've also put up a perimeter invisible electric fence around my place, so ifnyou ever try to just visit, it'll zap you. With good behavior, you might be able to get back on the list, but we'll have to see about that."

You're being funny, you're not being needy, and you're laying down the law. And it's the only way of doing it with your dignity intact. If this doesn't work, the signal the universe is sending you to move on is pretty clear.

These are just parts of the full system that is "The Tao of Dating" e-book, which shows you how to find, meet, attract and date the kind of women you *truly* deserve to have in your life, in a way that fits with your personality.

I'm interested in your comments and questions. You can reach me at dralex@thetaoofdating.com.

The power is within you,
Dr. Alexnwww.thetaoofdating.comn