How to Love Your Loneliness

Vienna, Austria circa 1987: I had just graduated from college and was alive with the excitement of exploring the world. My brother, Warren, had been living in this breathtakingly beautiful city for several years and I missed him. He was acting in an English-speaking movie starring Ben Kingsley and I got to hang out on the set; I even got a day’s wages as an extra playing a Russian peasant in the film. Warren met his girlfriend, who would later become his wife, on set. She had the good fortune to be a Russian peasant, too.

I learned a lot over that summer and what would become my extended stay. My brother was newly in love and busy. He moved in with his lady-love and left me to fend for myself in his cold-water flat. In 1987 there was no Skype, no Blackberry, and no cell phones. There was no home phone or shower in his place. Did I mention that I didn’t speak German? I remember curling up on his uncomfortable bed one day sobbing. How I could go home to Brooklyn – to my parents – owning up to my massive failure? After all, I set out to conquer the world and now I couldn’t even conquer my loneliness. It was time to make a decision, but how? I remember there was a moment about an hour into my unheard cries (and my episode of deep self-pity) when something inside me stirred.

The realization set in that I had to become aware of my deeper emotions - fear, loneliness, dejection, overwhelm, depression - by bringing them to the surface and asking myself some difficult questions. I did and I made my choice. Here are some of the questions I asked:

Coaching Question 1: Ask Yourself: What if there was no going back?

Is any place ever the same once you’ve left? What if I decided to go back to the States and my parents didn’t have a room for me? Were they even still together?

Coaching Question 1: Ask Yourself: What if I took a chance and went out of the apartment today?

The choice was to go out even though I was scared or to stay in and get more depressed. I knew the depression and loneliness felt. I knew I wanted to feel better. I committed to take an action.

Coaching Question 1: Ask Yourself: What’s the worst thing that could happen?

I thought I’d get lost. Without a phone to call my brother, I imagined that I’d never find my way back home. I was “catastrophizing”. Finally, I decided to write down my address. Knowing that if I got lost, I could show it to someone who could help me. Simply, too, I remembered that lots of people in Vienna spoke English.

Coaching Question 1: Ask Yourself: What if I trusted that someone would see me, notice me, and talk to me?

My thoughts started shifting from fear to possibility. I was so scared that I was invisible (an issue I dealt with growing up), that I had been afraid to even take a chance and go outside the apartment. I knew I needed to be filled up with worth from a place within myself. The challenge was to stop thinking only about myself, because it made me self-conscious which led to withdrawing from social possibilities.

Something extraordinary happened when I made the decision to stay in Austria.

I started consuming the books on my brother’s shelves and suddenly I had friends again – the characters in these famous stories. George Orwell became my favorite author. I imagined all kinds of exciting adventures that my future would bring. I left the apartment. I took the U-Bann (the Austrian subway) and went just one-stop so I could explore new things and definitely find my way back home. The next day, I summoned up my courage and I extended my exciting exploration by another stop on the line.

I found my way home. The next day I found a farmer’s market and returned with loaves of bread and delicious cheeses. Fresh air, fresh surroundings, fresh experiences. I began to enjoy being in another country and culture and by the time I thought about it, I wasn’t lonely or depressed anymore. I was excited and alive again and not only looking for possibilities of growing and stretching myself, I was expecting and welcoming it.

At the end of the summer, my brother invited me to extend my summer vacation to help assist with stage-managing a play that he wrote and was directing. He apologized for not spending much time with me and assured me that would change.

I decided to take a chance and stay. I had learned to transform my loneliness into life lessons. I could live alone with myself and not be lonely. I said YES. And oh, the adventures and friendships I made.