How To Make It Through Life's Train Wrecks

Somehow, despite all our hopes, dreams and efforts, life became a train-wreck. We may or may not have had an inkling of the impending doom. Perhaps we were in denial or maybe completely unaware of what was swirling around just out of sight. We may have seen it coming but didn’t realize its ...Somehow, despite all our hopes, dreams and efforts, life became a train-wreck. We may or may not have had an inkling of the impending doom. Perhaps we were in denial or maybe completely unaware of what was swirling around just out of sight. We may have seen it coming but didn’t realize its speed–or hoped against hope it wouldn’t happen.

But here we are. We can’t make the mess unhappen. We can’t even change a few details to make the results less harsh. Somehow, though, we need to get out of the spot we’re in. How?

Standard-issue advice says, “Forget it and get on with your life." On the other hand, Santayana tells us, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." My money’s with Santayana.

We can't forget our experiences. And we really don’t want to. Remembering keeps us from falling into the same traps again and again.

What we need is hope. That takes some decisions about attitude. So let’s talk about the attitudes we need to move us along.

First, we need to accept the responsibility of letting go of yesterday. This is hard, but endless pining over what used to be is a no-fail recipe for a sad and lonely life. Life can be good again, but not if we keep dragging the corpse of yesterday around everywhere we go.

Second, we need to let the reality that nothing has to last forever sink in. That realization gives us the balm of knowing that our current difficulties won’t last forever either. It’s a whole lot easier to hold on to hope when we know that each tomorrow will be better than every painful yesterday. Maybe not by a lot, but at least by a tad.

Third, we need to look at the full horizons of life and realize that some parts of it are still good–perhaps even really good. Even when life seems like a total disaster, we can find things to celebrate, things to be grateful for.

Fourth, we need to decide to get our git-along in gear and limit the time it takes to go from start to finish.

Here’s how it goes:

We grab hold of the fact our personal value isn’t diminished by outside forces, and that gives us the strength to stand tall.

We focus on what’s still good in our lives and on solutions. We don’t allow ourselves to focus on crying over the problem instead of moving past it.

And we give ourselves little encouragement prizes when we win a battle or conquer a mountain.

Pain is a powerful teacher. If we’re willing to learn and to use our pain well, some day we’ll see t our mess as an opportunity for growth. Probably even a blessing.

We never put revenge on our to-do list. Thoughts of revenge focus our minds on the current mess, not on the future. And no matter how carefully plotted, revenge rarely works, but leaves a bad taste, usually the taste of further defeat. Yes, they did us wrong. No, they’re not sorry in the least. That doesn’t mean we have to get stuck in their garbage.

And we can’t waste time feeling sorry for ourselves. That slows progress to a crawl.

We don't want to take our hurt out on others, either. People who care about us are part of the good things we still have.

And (I want to write in all caps here) let’s never see ourselves–or let others see us–as victims. Whatever the circumstances that brought us to where we are, accepting the victim label says we’re powerless and pitiful. If ours mind drift in that direction, we need to start playing the “Rocky” music and run up some stairs somewhere.

The future is full of possibilities, even when we can't imagine it. Move forward. Keep on keeping on. Mush!

© Copyright 2008 by Bette Dowdell. All rights reserved.