How We Intimidate Each Other

A Thai farmer is in a ditch planting rice in the searing, Southeast Asian heat. He is old, uneducated, ill, toothless, and his body is small and frail, weathered from years of hard labor. Is this old, useless farmer less than you? You, who are educated, beautiful, healthy, relatively young, strong, and live in the most advanced country in the world?

The Thai farmer, never in his life, has stolen anything from anybody. When he had enough, he would give any extra to his neighbors, He was always peaceful and quiet, never making a fuss or making demands from anyone, including his family. His children were raised in abject, material poverty, but within the richness of love, and they turned out just like their father.

The old farmer will die soon. And you? Are you immortal? Won't your body eventually become as his, and all your possessions and knowledge sink into the same ground as his? How can we be better than anyone else, regardless of their position in life, their race, their intelligence, their ideals, their beliefs? Such a perceived advantage is short sighted, and this shortsightedness, this confused separateness, is the essence of our fears.

When we attempt to dominate those who are different from us, seldom does that domination bring about the long-term results we desire. Usually, there is a payback involved, and it hits us when we least expect it. When we instill fear in others, even slight fear, we are committing a great disservice.

Instilling fear by intimidating is a natural thing to do; we do it to everyone around us constantly. Sometimes we do it subtly by becoming quiet and distant when things don't go our way. Sometimes stridently; "Do as you're told, or I will . . ." And sometimes diplomatically, "I thought we had already discussed that? . . . The fact is, we are deathly afraid of losing control.

When we see that someone is utterly irresponsible and has poor judgment to boot, we naturally try to dictate what they should and should not do. This is how we display our values, or so we think. Actually, instead of values, we are displaying our manipulation and control, and expressing subconsciously the fact that we are very insecure. Other than the values that each human being understands in his or her heart intuitively, those inherent values that become twisted because of fear and a perception of lack of control, all other values are debatable.

The alte
ative to controlling people, one might suggest, is allowing people to run all over us. That wouldn't be good. So how do we form a sound relationship without; either controlling others -- or ignoring them? Is it possible to do this? If we could pull this off, our relationships would not be exposed to either manipulation -- or disregard. Our relationships would become balanced.

Rather than think about what we should do or say in our relationships, it might be better to explore both our insecurity (the reason we try to control things), and our irresponsibility (which is a way of ducking something that needs to be addressed). Why are we so insecure and afraid that things won't go our way? We should think about this. What if things didn't go our way, what if we lost control? What would we lose?

We could lose a lot, materially. We could lose everything that we worked hard and long for. We could lose our kids if they didn't tow the line and become responsible adults. We could lose our friends. But do we really lose or gain by control? Kids who tow the line sometimes rebel. Things happen beyond our control regarding our financial security all the time. And our friends -- if they are our friends because of what we have or what we have accomplished, we have no friends.

I can't remember any of our beloved historical religious leaders or saviors ever forcing anyone to do anything. That was done by the religions that followed them. Our saviors gave us their lives as an example to follow, and only suggested that we notice how they lived, how they interacted with others, and how their lives unfolded. They wanted us to pay attention to our own lives, and how our actions affect others. What we do with our lives is up to us.

How can you force someone to become holy? You can control by intimidation, as some organizations attempt to do, but the followers never become free that way, only fearful, and comfortable in their submission, which becomes their holiness. True holiness develops when the person feels that they no longer have anything to protect, when they disappear and merge with something greater. No longer insecure or fearful, they don't have the need to control, and therefore they acquire vision and the capacity to see the other's needs. They don't ignore you and let you go on your way, ignorant of the repercussions that might follow your careless actions; they actually remind you of that but only in the way they live their own lives.

They are never intimidators. Quite the opposite, they are accommodating and forgiving. They understand the human dilemma and all the pressures we are under, and give us space to make our mistakes, but are always right there to catch us when we fall. They are not perfectionists, merely humanists, but offer the possibility of perfection by their own lives.

We can give up our personal intimidation by noticing every time we subtly try to control or manipulate someone. It's easy to notice because it feels a little selfish, egotistical, and dirty -- and it comes from our fear. Rather than manipulate, rather than intimidate, let's try something different. Let's try to see the other as ourselves, rather than separate from ourselves, because this is closer to truth.

Some things we can control, but in the end, maybe there is nothing we can control. And perhaps it is this very uncontrolling . . . that affects what happens after the end.