Is Your Relationship on Lockdown With Too Many Rules & Regulations?

Transitioning from “single” to “in a relationship” or “married” has its share of joys and struggles. It seems that when you are single, you long for someone to come home to, someone who’s waiting for your phone call and someone who anticipates the next time they’ll see you again. However, when you get into a relationship, after the initial euphoria of becoming a couple wears off, you’re faced with the task of integrating your previous single life with your new relationship status while still trying to retain some form of autonomy. According to #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Les & Leslie Parrot, whether we realize it or not, there are always spoken and unspoken expectations among partners. During the initial stages of a relationship, these expectations should be worked out. An example of unspoken expectations might include: “I expect my partner to check in with me regularly throughout the day” or “I expect him or her to abide by a curfew if we’re living together” and so on.
The answer to the curfew question will vary widely depending on the relationship and the people involved, in general though, the answer is no. But instead of focusing on the question of curfews and checking in, let’s take a look at what’s most important to both of you in the relationship.

Consider some key relationship values such as acceptance, caring, commitment, conce
for the others well-being, friendship, honesty, interest in the other, loyalty, respect, supportiveness, trust, wanting to be with the other, etc. Decide which 3 of these values are most important to the two of you.

Next, decide if the issues of a curfew or checking in fall under any of the 3 values you chose. For example, if you decide that trust, conce
for the others well-being and honesty are your top 3, then perhaps checking in would fall under conce
and staying out all night would fall under respect or trust. In that case, each individual understanding that conce
for the other person is key, may be more willing to let you know how they are doing vs. what they are doing throughout the day because you both agree that conce
for the other is highly valued in your relationship.
If trust is highly valued then you both want to consider how not staying in communication or staying out all night effects the trust in the relationship. In other words, is not checking in periodically or choosing to stay out all night reinforcing the trust in the relationship? If not, adjustments should be made.
As a side note, you may have to do some soul searching to make sure that your rules and regulations are not the result of unresolved trust issues that you have and are projecting onto your partner.

Whatever the two of you decide regarding the rules of your relationship, you’ll reach a conclusion faster keeping these 3 things in mind - A.C.E.

A: Agree on what’s most important to both of you in terms of your relationship values

C: Communicate your expectations to each other clearly

E: Eliminate behaviors that don’t reinforce the relationship goals

In taking these steps it will shift the focus from curfews and rules and place it on whether your actions are moving you further away, or closer to the kind of relationship you both desire.