Living Rent-Free in my Head

There are two old saws I like regarding forgiveness and resentment. The first is, “Resentment is letting someone live rent-free in your head.” The second is, “I’ll fix you, I’ll hurt me!”

Oy.

The word “resentment” says it all. It means to re-feel. And we know what that means -- running those habit-thought loops over and over, working yourself up into a lather of feeling awful, which doesn’t do anything to the person you’re thinking about, but is awful for you.

I am amazed by how quickly I can go there, to ReFeel Land. And often it is for something I make up! Something reminds me that I’m mad at someone about something, and all of a sudde
I’m off riffing on it like some kind of virtuoso, making up conversations and interactions that leave me feeling all riled and dark.

Does it have any impact on the other person? No. Does it have any impact on me? Oh, yeah.

Have you heard of low-frequency weapons? They put out pulses of ultra-low sound waves. They have no effect on buildings or terrain, but they make creatures with ears and bellies feel very bad; nausea, disorientation, depression, and so on.

Sound familiar?

I’ve come to think of resentment as an LFW that I use on myself. Why would I do that?

Well, getting all riled up can be fun. We can fill ourselves up with righteous indignation, which feels good in a kind of icky way. We can feel morally superior, which also feels good in an icky way. Anger can also feel powerful, and good in an icky way.

Sometimes, what we want is to maintain our feeling of being a victim or martyr. Then, rehearsing this stuff sinks us right up to our necks in Poor Me. We practice supporting the belief that “people are horrible to me and I will just have to take it.” Ick. Or we practice supporting the belief that “no one will do this thing so I will have to do it, poor me.” Ick.

I have done my share of both ways, and I will tell you right now, both ways are like taking a bath in poo. (Is that too gross? Can I say that here?)

So what do I do instead?

Be aware of what I’m thinking. Choose to think high frequency thoughts. Find a way to feel compassion for the person whom I resent. Commit to breaking the habits of LFWs and Victim/Martyr. Use Creative Questions when I notice that I’ve gone to that place, especially the “how do I feel” ones. Focus on feeling forgiveness, compassion, and gratitude not only for that person, but for me, too.
If the resentment runs very deeply, there is an extra technique I throw into the mix. Every time I notice that I’m thinking a resentful feeling about someone, I look for a neutral or pleasant memory about them. I practice. I find that, over time, the resentful thought automatically leads me to a nicer memory, and I maintain my integrity.

Why would I choose to forgive?