Love and Communication - Five Languages for Healthy Relationships

When we are not feeling loved, valued and cared for, many of us tend to be crankier, more depressed, more sure something is our fault or their fault or somebody's fault. We can be less patient, and life can seem more difficult. Some of us pass this off as a bad day, a really long week, a rough time. Without oversimplifying or discounting real tragedy, I’d like to offer a way to look at this part of our lives that can help.

In the book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman points out that we all have ways we like to be shown that we are loved, valued, or cared about, but they are not necessarily the same as the way others like to be shown these things. The five ways outlined in this book are: nn *Words of Affirmation (saying encouraging things)
*Quality Time (spending undivided time with the person)
*Gifts (physical tokens of appreciation--can be small, but must not have any expectation or condition attached to them)
*Acts of Service (doing things for someone in appreciation or to help)
*Physical Touch (appropriate and loving touch)

Can you see where this may be a problem if you are used to “speaking” love (or value or caring) in Words of Affirmation, but your partner, friend, or child is just longing to “hear” love (or value or caring) in Acts of Service? Kind of like you’re speaking Italian and your partner, friend, or child is listening for French.

Communication in relationships can leave us feeling exquisitely intimate at best or infuriated and humiliated at worst. George Be
ard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” If we are speaking different love languages, this illusion may not get us where we truly want to be with each other.

There are other benefits to being aware of the love language of our loved ones and ourselves. For instance, when we are feeling certain of being loved, valued, and cared for, then many of us tend to act more caring and positively toward others. Tasks seem easier to accomplish; we have more patience with the things that go differently than we expected. Many of us find it easier to genuinely give of our time, energy, and resources in a loving and caring manner.

In Eat, Pray, Love, author Elizabeth Gilbert shares a story about a friend whose philosophy is that unhappy people cause all the sorrow and trouble in the world. According to this philosophy, when we are unhappy (or don't feel loved, valued or cared for), we tend to share our misery with those around us. She says, “Clearing out all of your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to everyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.”

It's important for each of us to know how we like to have our value expressed to us by others, and to let those who care about us know that. It's also important for us to think about the ways others may be showing us they value us and care for us that maybe we haven't been counting because it's not the way we're used to listening or watching for this information. In turn, it's important for us to notice this about the people we care about, so we can offer our love, value, and care to them in ways they can receive. This is important with our colleagues, our friends, our families, our communities, and our world.

If you want more info, you can check out Dr. Chapman's books, which not only include his book mentioned above, but also ones about the 5 Love Languages for Children, Teenagers, and Apologies. You can see a general overview and take a quick quiz to see what your love language by clicking on five love languages. In the words of Jackie DeShannon, Randy Myers, and Jimmy Holiday--"put a little love in your heart...and the world will be a better place."