THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO BE IS HER FRIEND

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen

Hi Doc,

I'm currently a sophomore in college. Back in high school, I met this girl that I really liked. Though we never saw each other outside of school, we would always talk and have a good time in class. During our senior year I tried desperately to ask her out - not on a "date-date" but just to hang out - but I could never find the right opportunity. Finally, that year I asked her to the prom, but she already had a date (doh!).

Later, I told her how I felt about her, but her response wasn't very enthusiastic. This was confusing to me because whenever we went somewhere together, we always had a terrific time. For instance: one time while we were at Pizza Hut, the waitress kept stopping by our booth to talk to us - not to ask us if we needed anything, but because she thought we were a fun couple. Also, when I took her to my church, everyone, including my aunt and grandfather, thought that she was my girlfriend. I guess it was how she acted around me (picking lint out of my hair, sitting really close, etc.).

Things changed a couple of months before graduation. She invited this guy to go bowling with us and my other friends. Two years later, they are a couple and I'm out in the cold. I was a gentleman to say the least, but I also was her friend. We enjoyed each other's company before, and she still likes it when I call her, but her actions indicate to me that she never even considered a romantic relationship between us. I've invested at least three years in tempting her to like me, but it seems my effort was in vain. Why didn't it work? Rich - who wants to know where he went wrong

Hi Rich,

Rather tha
"hanging out" and playing friend with this girl for three years, your time would have been better spent by simply asking her out on a "date-date" the day you two met (Just think of all the ladies you missed out on during those three years!). Well, that's why I'm here, Rich - I want to make sure that you don't make mistakes like this again. When you asked Miss Right to the prom, and she didn't counteroffer with an encouraging suggestion like "Let's go out together next Friday - for sure," it meant that you two had no future together. If the significance of this event was lost on you at that moment, then her subsequent indifference about your crush should have driven the point home. I'm sorry it didn't.

You thought that after she rebuffed your advances, you could play friend for a while and later switch to the boyfriend track. Though this works in soap operas and in mushy movies, it never works in real life. Why not? Because once a woman decides that you're not her type, this verdict is marked indelibly on her heart. Let me show you why. When a woman first meets a man, she gives him what I call The Physical Attraction Test. With one look, she instantly decides whether or not a man could be her "type." She bases her assessment on her personal standards of male attractiveness - for instance, she may find men with black hair appealing, but not blondes; or, she may not mind a guy's bald head, but short guys don't have a chance with her.

Once the woman decides that a man has successfully passed The Physical Attraction Test (according to The "System," this would put her Interest Level at 51% or higher), then he has successfully cleared the first hurdle toward getting her home phone number. In order to make her final decision, the woman examines the man's verbal and nonverbal cues. I call this last step: The Confirmation Test.

Before the woman gives a green light to a man's advances, she instinctively looks for the three C's of male desirability: confidence, (self-) control and Challenge. Again - depending on her personal standards, the woman may grade the man up or down in each of these categories due to his personality - so if a man's talkative and she prefers talkative men, she may conclude that: he's comfortable around people, he's daring, and he has a commanding presence. On the other hand, if she prefers the silent type, she might consider the same man a nervous, babbling, attention-seeker.

The Confirmation Test is the woman's way of seeing whether a man's personality matches his looks. With this last step completed, the woman's mind is made about the man - forever. Rich, your girl gave you The Physical Attraction Test and The Confirmation Test long ago, and though she thought you were pleasant enough for a friendship, you didn't make the dating cut. You assumed that you could change Miss Right's mind about you over time. What you didn't realize is that once the female's romantic suitability tests are given, the scores are cast in stone. Neither "tempting" her to like you nor showing her what a good guy you are make any difference. In fact, nothing can affect a woman's Interest Level at this point - that is, except telling her you won the lottery! As you can see - it doesn't matter if everyone, including your dog, thinks you and this girl look good together; what matters is whether or not she thinks you two look good together. The most important determinant in female attraction is not your feelings - nor anyone else's feelings. Only the woman's feelings count.

Assuming what I said is true, Rich, can you see why trying to change Miss Right's mind about you by being her friend is a complete waste of time? You may get her to like you more as a friend, but she will never consider you a boyfriend.

It's obvious that your girl is comfortable around you - by itself, this is a positive sign. Unfortunately, comfort - while a necessary ingredient of love - is not sufficient. I just wish your girl thought a little bit more about your comfort before she invited the other guy to go bowling with you two. This, by the way, illustrates one of the other pitfalls of the playing the friend: you end up meeting the new boyfriend.

Rich, it's time to move on and collect new home phone numbers. I would try asking out the waitress you mentioned - perhaps she was the one you should have spent all this time with!

Remember, guys: Men do the picking, but women do the choosing. The most a man can do is put his best foot forward and then ask for the home phone number - anything beyond this is just wasted effort. As the old Chinese proverb says: "No use running if on wrong road, Grasshopper!" nnn