WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS BRING HER KID ON THE DATE?

Hi Doc,

I am smitten with a beautiful redhead who has a three year-old daughter. She told me from the beginning that she wasn't looking for anyone because she didn't want anyone telling her how to raise her little girl. Apparently, she had had a bad relationship with her daughter's father, which ended with her kicking him out of the house for becoming a drunk right after her daughter was born. I know I should have listened to her, but I started spending a lot of time with her - along with her daughter and mine, who were always with us. We were just like a family, except there was no intimacy.

One day I finally asked her if we were just friends or if there was a chance our relationship could develop into something more. She said there was a chance, but that she was not ready yet and would like us to be just friends right now.

I know I should move on, but I'm crazy about her. My question is, should I believe that I have a chance with her and hold on, or should I just move on? Is there anything I can do to win her over or was the relationship dead when she said the word "friends"? Any advice will be most appreciated.

Oscar - who wants to know if he should wait for her

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar?

When you - or any guy - ask, "Is there a chance?" something should tell you that you don't. Why" Because as my cousin, Father Love would say, "If you have to ask, the answer is no."

When a woman likes you, she lets you know it. Unfortunately, most men only look at their feelings and overrate hers. Your quips about being "smitten" and "crazy about her" demonstrate to me that your high Interest Level has smothered your objectivity.

Besides having a low Interest Level problem - she told you she wasn't looking for anyone, which in Womanese means: "I'm not looking for anyone fitting your description!" - this woman also seems to have an attitude problem. When she snarled, "No man is going to tell me how to raise my kid!" she was directing her message at you! You had barely met her and already she was laying down the law (a woman usually waits a little longer to bare her teeth at a guy - typically after he starts panting after her like a dog in heat!). Growling warnings at you doesn't sound loving to me; instead, it shows that she has a chip on her shoulder the size of Montana. Hey - she may have had an ex who only braked for liquor stores, but that's no excuse for her to browbeat the rest of men-kind. After all, she only has herself to blame for her previous poor choices in men. Touch?

Of course there's never any intimacy to your outings, Oscar - she always has her kid around! The truth is: she's using her as a shield against intimacy. I'm for family togethe
ess and I think it is good that all four of you get along, but you need to find out if the two of you get along. You would find this out if she ever gave you the opportunity; the fact that she hasn't after all this time should tell you something!

She is obviously happy with the pattern she has with you. In her mind, the four of you can keep things just as they are forever at arm's length. You may feel comfortable with this arrangement, Oscar, but romantically, it's a big waste of time. Why? Because it will never raise her Interest Level.

You will never move from "just friends" to loving soul mates because The Reality Factor states that it takes two with high Interest Level to tango. I'm afraid your girl has left you dancing by yourself, Oscar.

You should take her words about you having a chance with her about as seriously as the suggestion that Yassir Arafat might someday grace the cover of People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. When a woman says she's "not ready" for a romantic relationship, it means in Womanese that the earth would blow asunder before she would give you a real date.

What are your actual chances? Well, they would be a lot better if you got her to leave her little darling at home - fat chance! To know your chances for sure, tell her you want to leave the kids with a baby sitter - you'll find out soon enough where you stand! Of course, if she doesn't go along with this proposal, then it's adios, baby.

Oscar, in spite of the way this girl knowingly gives you false hope I must give her credit for being somewhat up front with you. Unfortunately, like most guys out there with extreme Interest Level, you didn't heed her admonition. That's OK - now that you have The "System," you won't make this mistake again.

Remember, guys: you are looking for someone to love you, not waste your time - so choose accordingly. Don't let dreams of an ideal family life with Miss Right make you overlook her flaws. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "What makes a women good is her attitude."

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" nnn