THIS TIME, THE WOMAN IS RIGHT

Hi Doc,

I'm having a problem with my girlfriend, and I really need some advice. Recently, my girlfriend was over at my house when my ex called. (My ex and I had been together for 9 months, and I broke up with her about 6 months ago.)

I chatted with my ex for about 10 minutes and my girlfriend got very upset. I explained to her that this other girl means nothing to me and that I just consider her to be a friend now. I've told my girlfriend about 12 times that I only want to be with her, but she's still mad. She insists that I stop talking to my ex.

I would like to keep my ex as a friend, but my girlfriend can't find a way to accept this. I think that she's jealous and insecure. What do you think and what should I do? Please give me some advice as soon as possible, because I want my relationship with my girlfriend to work.

Randell - who wants to know why she's so mad

Hi Randell,

You know that I'm one of the few love doctors who comes from a male perspective, and I always try to stand up for the guys. But on this one dude, she's got you. Your girlfriend is neither jealous nor possessive. She just wants to trust you and be respected. That's right, Randell, you're being disrespectful. How would you like her to be chatting with old boyfriends while she's sitting on the couch with you? If you're honest with yourself, I think you'd have to admit that you wouldn't enjoy it a bit. Why? Because as they say in Israel, "It ain't Kosher!"

Your girlfriend is annoyed because she knows that your ex is trying to get you back with the ol' friendship ploy. (To you Psych majors: The ex girlfriend is playing buddy, hoping he gets rid of his existing love
and takes her back.) If your ex had dumped you Randell and you had been the dumpee, I guarantee you wouldn't be getting any friendly, chatty phone calls from her. (When women leave first, they never want back in.) But in this case you were the dumper, and your ex obviously still has feelings for you. Your current girlfriend knows how her fellow kitty cats operate and she smells a rat. But your girlfriend isn't insecure; you are, because you enjoy getting strokes off someone whom you got rid of.

Randell, you should ask yourself some important questions, like: Why do you want to keep your ex as a friend anyway? Are you out of buddies? Do you get off playing with your ex's heart? Are you a passive/ aggressive person who neurotically enjoys annoying your current partner?

Nagging is the most under-reported crime in America, only this time it's somewhat justified. Your girlfriend needs to feel cherished and respected by you. She needs to feel safe and be able to trust you, and you're blowing it.

Randell, you've been a jerk. Now it's time to do the right thing and here's one way to do it: When Miss Wrong calls again and your girlfriend is there, casually walk out of the room with the phone while you're talking to her. Meanwhile stay within earshot of your girlfriend and let her hear you say: " Missy, don't call me again." Do this, and your girlfriend's levels of trust, respect and romantic interest toward you will all go up.

Randell, both partners in a long-term romantic relationship must always have the utmost respect for each other (and themselves) because the foundation of a lasting relationship is respect. If the man doesn't give the woman respect, resentment will rear its hideous little head, the woman's Interest Level will slowly sink, and the guy will eventually hear one of the two most dreaded sentences in the English language: either "Honey, we have to talk" or "You know, I just need some space."

So remember, all you guys out there, "When you're going steady, don't talk to your exes." nnnn