Make Love, Not War

Making love starts in the mind. It is what we're thinking that turns us on or off. Making love can be using the body sexually to express love, tende
ess, and pleasure. Making love can be purely sensual-e.g., giving your partner a massage or a bath-fragrant with essential oils. Making love can be sharing companionship-doing things together. Most of all, making love is letting our partner know that we see the best in him or her, that we genuinely like who they are, that they inspire us. Love is generous, non-judgmental, appreciative, and brings us closer.

Arguing is oppositional. Arguing is a form of warfare. It's about one person being right and the other wrong, about justifying our point of view and making a point. The well-known spiritual book A Course in Miracles asks, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" Arguing is about getting our way, being opinionated, judgmental, and divisive. Arguing incites angry feelings, hostility, and can result in low self-esteem. Some people say, "We're not arguing-we're having a discussion," or "We're having a good debate," but debate is a form of verbal warfare, and discussions with winners and losers are arguments!

It's okay to feel excited and passionate about what you believe as long as you don't force your beliefs on another. It's okay to have varying levels of volume in a conversation as long as your partner doesn't feel bullied or trapped. And it's more than okay to have a heated discussion lead to the bedroom-as long as you celebrate your increased understanding, not to sweep an unresolved issue under the rug.

Arguing is oppositional. Love is unifying. We can disagree without being oppositional. We can disagree with respect, empathy, and an interest in getting to know each other better. We can learn to agree to disagree. Understanding each other is more important than agreeing on everything.

One of the most loving things we can do for ourselves and our partner is to identify our own needs. If we can be honest with ourselves about what we need, emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, etc., and learn to express this need without demanding it be met, then we're onto something that will really transform our relationships. Many people think that it is unselfish to keep their needs out of their awareness-they may not even know they have certain kinds of needs buried below the surface. This is actually a disservice to themselves and their partners. Your partner doesn't stand a chance of meeting your needs if you can't express what they are! And even if you think this is selfless, eventually it will lead to resentments. Making love is choosing to have a conscious relationship-choosing to become more self-aware of our personal agendas.

One aspect of emotional maturity is taking responsibility for our feelings, thoughts, and needs so rather than unconsciously acting them out and testing our partner, we choose to ask for our partner's help and participation. This draws us closer. Of course, not all our needs can be met by our romantic partner, or perhaps at all. But we always deserve love for how we feel, even if our feelings don't seem to make sense.

Remember, if you sincerely would rather make love than war, all you have to do is share your needs rather than prove your point. With a cooperative partner, this will go a long way toward improving your communication, deepening your understanding of each other, and making a more loving relationship.

Copyright © 2011 Amy Torresr
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