Newly Wed and Drifting Apart?

I always wondered why marriages conceived in love, trust, and commitment fall flat after tying the knot! What goes wrong in a relationship that couples feel that they can't talk to each other anymore, not the way they used to anyway. Why do they need their own space? Why people develop their own mental islands where the spouse is not allowed? Seventy percent of all divorces happen in first five years of being married.

I have struggled to find answers. Having been married for 34 years and having studied couples in relationships for over 20 years. Now I know why?

When we fall in love, we put our best foot forward in our everyday behavior-- we try to look good, we are polite to each other; we bring the best in each other, given that the chemistry is in alignment. We assume that same behavior will stay forever.

After getting married, suddenly with the change of status, the pretence disappears and we start to relax in our skin. We get to see each other in disheveled hair, the pimpled face, and at times, not so charming attitude. That was not expected, right? At least, not in your mind. So you are disappointed.

We must understand the process of settling down in our new roles. Based on the pre-marital experiences, our expectations are elevated which are not sustainable in the long haul. Eventually, you have to become “you” without any add-ons. It is a natural progression in every couple's relationship.

Therefore, the answer to this puzzling question lies in perception. If you learn to live in the present moment, all of your imaginary expectations should get a reality check. When your spouse does or does not do something that you somehow expect, you are kind of turned off. You respond by getting angry, annoyed or disappointed. Then in turn, your spouse senses your attitude and may default to one of the two responses. The first, he/she may harbor resentment or anger toward you and behave likewise. The second response may be that he/she be perturbed and initiate an inquiry. Here is your responsibility to step up to the plate and communicate. If you miss the opportunity and it happens quite frequently, you two start to drift apart.

We always find faults with our partner and never look at our own behavior objectively. We are very selfish in love. It’s all about “me-me-me”. If we stay trapped in “me-me-me”, we tend to amplify “me as victim” and the partner is to blame. This behavior can lead to accumulation of negative energy. Without any really serious issues, we tangle our web and find disappointment in our relationship. If you as a couple understand the process of settling down in marriage, you can surely avoid being a victim. You can rise above by being consciously vigilant.