Forgiveness is a Destination

Forgiveness is a destination and not an action. When you tell yourself to forget and forgive some wrong or hurt, you can not. You tell yourself to take the action of forgiveness, yet can not, because forgiveness is not an action.

When your boss passes you over for a promotion or a raise, you can not forgive. When your landlord unfairly takes your deposit, you can not forgive. When your significant other hurts you with thoughtless actions, you can not forgive.

And you can not forget effectively. Perhaps you can succeed in burying the memories of hurt or anger so that they do not badger you. But you will still be affected. The next time you deal with a boss, a landlord, a significant other, you will expect to be hurt and in that create the hurt.

Yet forgive and forget you must, if you are to move forward whole. If you harbor anger and resentment, they become your god. They fill your days with endless inner arguments.

Forgiveness is a destination and not an action. While you can not make yourself forgive and forget, you can take steps to get to forgiveness. These steps are seemingly simplistic, inconsequential. Yet as a set of actions they produce indisputable results.

If forgiveness is your destination, here are your road markers:

1. Write a letter that you will not send. Express all emotions, all conversations you have had in your head. Write the letter over and over, each time going deeper inside to express your full emotions.

2. Take inventory of your actions. How did you contribute to the situation? What motivated you? How will you respond differently next time at each of the key junctures?

3. Visualize yourself in a conversation with the other person. Tell him/her everything and see him/her listen. Hold back nothing.

4. Create compassion by understanding. Look at the other's motivations. What made his/her actions inevitable? You do not have to approve or agree. Simply understand.

5. Wish him or her well. In the brunt of anger, especially then, wish him or her well. Even artificially done in the beginning, over time this will become genuine.

Having taken these steps enough times you will arrive at forgiveness and be free to move forward restored.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries