Perfectionism Hurts Relationships, Hinders Support, and Impairs Building Trust!

Perfectionism hurts our relationships

When making things perfect is our top priority, we tend to expect others to live up to our rigid expectations for performance. When they don’t, we’re likely to forget the other person’s intentions, efforts, or good work. Instead, we focus on the “less than perfect” aspects of what has been done.

Not only can perfectionism take our focus away from the intentions of others, but it can also shift our focus from our own intentions. Instead of acknowledging our co-workers’ dedication and good performance, we focus on the one detail that was missed. This leaves those we work and live with feeling unappreciated, frustrated, and disempowered, us included.

How many of your conversations begin with a criticism or complaint, rather than an acknowledgement or an expression of appreciation? Our upset about what went wrong in a situation can consume us and become the focus of our communication with others.

The next time you’re about to give some critical feedback, pause first. Get clear about your intentions for the conversations. Do you want the other person to know you appreciated their efforts? Is any sort of “thank you” appropriate? Before launching into your litany of complaints, look to the relationship. If you value it, make sure the other person knows so before you digress too deeply into the details of their mistakes.

Perfectionism gets in the way of letting in support

If we’re perfect, we don’t need support from anyone or anything, right? To admit that support in our lives would be useful is the equivalent of acknowledging that we cannot do all things at all times all alone.

While we may know this intellectually, a perfectionistic drive can prevent us from allowing in much needed support. We want to keep our needs to ourselves, preserving the image of our “perfectness”. As a result, we don’t ask for help even when it’s obvious that it would be useful.

Try looking away from that elusive image of perfection to how you can readily make a contribution. Will you be able to do a better job if others help you? Would even a little support produce a better outcome for everyone, even if you don’t get gold stars for looking perfect?

Notwithstanding your thoughts to the contrary, I invite you to let in the support of others and notice how your life starts getting easier.

Perfectionism impairs the building of trust

When perfection is the highest priority, we go to great lengths to appear perfect at all times. Looking good in every way becomes essential.

When we strive to avoid letting others see our mistakes, we appear as though we never make them. We rarely volunteer our errors. When we make mistakes, we try to hide them or disguise them, so the fact that we are a mere mortal will not be disclosed.

Because the perfectionist confuses perfection with self-worth, criticism or feedback is often taken personally. When confronted with our shortcomings, we’re likely to be defensive, make an excuse, or blame others.

The result of the perfectionist refusal to ever be vulnerable contributes to a team where no one feels safe to admit a mistake. After all, who wants to admit to the “perfect one” that they’ve made a mistake? Who wants to criticize the ideas of a person who’s always right and never wrong?

What happens to motivation in an environment where it’s not ok to make a mistake? What happens to achievement? To learning?

One of the most powerful ways to build trust on a team is to admit our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Interestingly enough, others not only perceive this admission as a strength, but also as an invitation to be in a closer relationship. “Maybe we’re not so different after all,” team members muse. Insisting on looking perfect at all times closes down communication and limits the extraordinary results teams of a perfectionist manager are able to achieve.

Question: What has perfection cost you that you’re aware of at work, home, and play? If you have allowed perfection to loosen its grip on you, what was the trigger that started the loosening? What benefits have accrued to you as a result of that courageous choice?